HI! I have made some adjustment to my writing in order to meet the structure requirements.
I always appreciate comments, even if they seems short and simple!
An estimation of the band score of my writing will also be very helpful.
Thank you!
International Communication Online
COMMUNICATION TOPIC 1: Some people think that being able to communicate with others online is breaking down geographical barriers and enabling people, who would normally never have the chance to meet, to communicate.
What are the advantages of international communication online?
Are there any disadvantages?
WORD COUNT: 279
The rapid development of technologies has revolutionized many ways how we communicate. Nowadays, the geographical distance between human seems unsubstantial. These changes meant to bring immense advances, however, come along are some negative implications that should also be discussed.
Technology has undoubtedly improved the human way of living. Online communication platforms such as Skype, Whatsapp, and Viber, now provide flawless connectivity to their users. Not only to stay in touch with close friends and families, but a person also can reach out across the globe and befriend others from different nationalities. The exchange of ideas and beliefs create valuable, universal relationships that bridge the cultural gaps between nations. Yet, all of these online connectivities are both time and cost-effective, since the need to physically travel is unnecessary. This allows more people who have personal difficulties to still communicate with the world.
However, international online communication may have its dangers. Firstly, many nations' unique cultures may be altered by the influence of globalization since many younger generations want to change their lifestyles taken from other parts of the world. For instance, many Vietnamese music groups are trying to dress and sing like influencing Korean colleagues. Secondly, privacy has always been a major concern for any online activity. Without vital awareness and cautions, a person may have his information, such as messages and contacts, stolen, or become a target for cyber-attacks.
In conclusion, the ability to effectively communicate across borders through online platforms allow humanity to create more intimate bonds. However, the risk of cultural assimilation and the lack of privacy on the Internet should not be ignored. Everyone should be aware of these advantages and disadvantages for better online communication usages.Hi,
Overall, I think your structure is good and clear. I just have some suggestions as following:
These changes are meant to bring.
"now provide flawless connectivity to their users" -> I don't think you should use this adjective. It's quite a strong word and may not be exact so I think you should change it to another one.
"... and beliefs create" -> creats.
"Yet, all of these online connectivities" -> yet is used to show contrast ideas. That's not the case here, so it should be changed to in addtion, or moreover etc.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 You did an acceptable job in the paraphrase section. The only problem that I have with it is that you still retained the original word geographical from the original. You could have used other words such as; international locations, topographical obstacles, and other similar references. Try your best to change all the keywords from the original to raise your LR score. The LR score is also based on your ability to use other reference terms to present the original information. The more alternative terms you use, the better your scoring possibility.
Next, you do not need to add an apostrophe after nations since you are referring to the plural form of the word "nation". There is no plural form for connectivity. The singular and plural form for the word are one and the same. I think you need to review your punctuation usage lessons in this case. Although it is a small error, it will still result in points deductions for your GRA score. Even a single mistake costs a small percentage point in the eyes of the examiner.
Your second paragraph deviated from the original topic of communication. You suddenly began discussing multimedia influence, which is not the same are the communication topic indicated in the original prompt. So you will only be scored for the paragraphs that properly relate to the original discussion. Word deductions will be made and appropriate percentages deducted. That means, your presentation may seem like it met the minimum word requirement but, after the deductions, your essay will have fallen short of the word requirement.
It is important that you always review your essay for prompt responsiveness. Make sure that all your paragraphs address the original prompt topic. The topic was about online communication. So your reference to What'sApp, Viber, etc. are correct and on topic. The next paragraph referring to the influence of music videos and the like, these are not part of the international communication being referred to in the original prompt.
