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[TOEFL] Online Games, Good or Bad?


Weed 1 / 1  
Aug 22, 2015   #1
Would you please correct the grammar, speeling and other mistakes. Besides that, I would be grateful if someone who have already taken the test makes some comments about it content.

The past decade has witnessed the rapid progress of Online games. Is it a blessing or curse? I stand by the con side.
Grantedly, a few benefits are brought by online games. Occasionally, they can release our stress and bring us pleasure. Additionally, some high-qualified online games with great imagination can foster our creativity to some degree. Nonetheless, all discussed above can't counteract online games' undesirable effects.

It is widely held that online games bring with it a considerable amount of demerits. Firstly , lacking in self-discipline, teenager students are likely to be distracted by online games, which often results in poor academic performance. Moreover, innocent and naive, some young children may confuse the real world with the virtual world and hurt themselves. For instance, once an boy who believed he could fly jumped down from a 10-floor-high building and killed himself. Last but not least, as online games are quite costly, they can force addicted players to earn money illegally to guarantee themselves competent in the game. Therefore, online games must be restricted.

To illustrate my point more specifically and incisively , let's take LUXCIDE, the world-famous online game, as a typical instance. To begin with, there are some erotic and unhealthy images or advertisements on the game platform. Since juveniles are exposed to those foul information, they have no choice but to be polluted. Furthermore, the game itself contains fiercely violent scenes which can do harm to the young's values. Take an example. One of my little cousins, once a sunny, pure and lovely boy, was addicted to LUXCIDE two and a half years ago. Last week, to my great astonishment, he was no longer what he used to be. With a pair of totally vacuous eyes, he showed no respects to lives. When we talked about the shocking new that a terrorist killed 8 children without mercy, he just mocked and laughed- how could it be!

In a nutshell, based on the discussion above, I can safely state that online game is a rose with thorns. Yet, I strongly assert that its disadvantages outbalance its advantages. Consequently, online games must be limited to promise us a brighter future.

Aubreythefruit 5 / 8 4  
Aug 23, 2015   #2
"Grantedly" should just be granted.

You continue using a word and following it by a comma. I would strive for more sentence diversity. (Granted, ... Occasionally, ... Additionally, ... Nonetheless, ...)

"all discussed" is only two reasons. I would either add another reason or change the word "all" to "these good attributes" or something along those lines.

"Firstly ," should be "Firstly,"

The only other problem that I'm really having with this essay is how you keep using a word followed by a comma to start sentences. I would urge you to rewrite the beginnings of your sentences and change up your sentence structures.
eegii012 5 / 7 1  
Aug 23, 2015   #3
Hi! Here is my corrections for you.

The past decade has witnessed the rapid progress of online games. Is it a blessing or a curse? I stand by the con side.
Fortunately , a number of benefits are brought by the online games. To name a few , they can release our stress,bring us pleasure and some high-qualified online games with great imagination can foster our creativity to some degree. Nonetheless, all advantages discussed above can't counteract a considerable amount of demerits that comes with online games.

It is widely held that online games bring with it a considerable amount of demerits. Firstly , lacking in self-discipline, teenager students are likely to be distracted by online games, which often results in poor academic performance. Moreover, innocent and naive, some young children may confuse the real world with the virtual world and might hurt themselves. For instance, one boy who believed he could fly jumped down from a 10-floor-high building and killed himself. Last but not least, as online games are quite costly, they can force addicted players to earn money illegally to guarantee themselves competent in the game. Therefore, online games must be restricted. [Better add more words in this sentence]

To illustrate my point more specifically and incisively , let's take LUXCIDE, the world-famous online game, as a typical instance. To begin with, there are some erotic and unhealthy images or advertisements on the game platform. Since juveniles are exposed to those foul information, they have no choice but to be polluted. Furthermore, the game itself contains fiercely violent scenes which can do harm to the young's values.To take an example, one of my little cousins, once a sunny, pure and lovely boy, was addicted to LUXCIDE two and a half years ago. Last week, to my great astonishment, he was no longer what he used to be. With a pair of totally vacuous eyes, he showed no respects to lives. When we talked about the shocking news that a terrorist killed 8 children without mercy, he just mocked and laughed- how could it be!

In a nutshell, based on the discussion above, I can safely state that online game is a rose with thorns. Yet, I strongly assert that its disadvantages outbalance its advantages. Consequently, online games must be limited to promise us a brighter future.

Overall, your essay has all the requirements to get 5, as it is told by ETS. I think it is better to divide your reasons to each paragraphs instead of squeezing them in one.


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