Opinion Essay (The Athletics Centre in Georgian College)

There are some parts my teacher will mark. Does anyone can help me to check the grammar and make sense or not.
The Athletics Centre

Introduction:

1. Hook
2. Thesis statement
3. background information
Body:
1. Topic sentence
2. one direct quote and one indirect quote
3. some fact to support my sentence
Conclusion

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Do you know there is the Athletics Centre in Georgian College? Have you got wondered is there only gym? Actually, the Athletics Centre is not only gym, but also supporting sport for fun like badminton, volleyball, basketball, indoor climbing, indoor track and so on. Moreover, as a Georgian College student, I want to write down my opinion and I believe that we have a workout at least three times a week is one of good ways to our health.

First of all, I am interested in some health classes, for example,TRX which is core exercise and YOGA when I lived in Taiwan. After I noticed there are lots of fitness classes, such as TRX SPLIT, HATHA YOGA, MUSCLE, and so on in the Athletics Centre, I was excited. Especially since the fees of the strength courses is all included our tuition. "You can get the fitness schedule from the front desk or on the websites," Janice who is working the Athletics Centre of Georgian College said. After first time experience of TRX class, I realized there was different teaching method between Taiwan and Canada, for instance, Georgian College's teacher was more careful your pose than following class' schedule. It was impressed me a lot although I just went to once.

Furthermore, I am also captivated by personal training. From my experience, the personal training, I can only look for in fitness lose weight and my body shape will be great. In fact, this class provides some parts to help members know their health history, fitness goals and current lifestyle. According to this way, the members might understand their specific needs. However, Janice said this option is not contained our education costs. In other words, I have to pay if I want to go to the class. Nonetheless, Janice gave me a good news about the Athletics Centre has good packs of personal training. Also, if I am student, I can get more good price than non-students.

To sum up, the Athletics Centre is not only provided facilities equipment, there is still some good items over there. From my opinion, if you want to join interesting exercise classes and become healthier, but you do not know how to do that, just ask. The staff are friendly and nice. As the Athletics says "We have got all sorts of options to help you stay healthy and engaged".

Thank you !!

Aha, your thesis statement needs work. I am not sure what it is you are trying to present in the statement. First you are informing the reader that there is an athletics center at the school. Then you tell the reader that you want to present your opinion about working out 3 times a week. there was no proper statement development or introduction tot he topic that could have prepared the reader for this thesis statement. In order to properly develop the thesis statement, your opening sentence and the supporting sentences need to lead up to the discussion that you wish to present in the final sentence. That is how you develop a thesis with an introductory background, then an appropriate hook for the reader.

The rest of the essay seems to be just following the instructions in order to present the required elements. This means that while the paper may be technically accurate, you were unable to create an interesting research point that would interestingly support your opinion. An opinion which was never actually developed in your essay. Why do you think that it is important that students workout at the athletic center? Why 3 times a week in particular? Aside from being paid for with the tuition fee, what other reasons are there to support your claims? Who is Janice? What is her last name? Give a more detailed description for her work title and explain why we should believe anything she says.

The essay can use further development and information. As of now, I have given you some reviewer points that I am sure your teacher will also bring up. I look forward to hearing your teacher's comments and revising the essay with you based upon her suggestions. Good luck with this submission.