Keep the sentence presentations simple. The writer is trying to unsuccessfully write advanced format and complicated word usage. The following should be rewritten as:
so as the number of people who needs support from others
- ... so too are the number...
The reason for the error is clear, it is a run-on presentation. For clarity and proper formatting, avoid writing long sentences. Individual reference sentences always work best.
Since only the viewpoint is essential to the discussion, the benefits represent a prompt deviation. That section of writing is non-essential and therefore, non-scoring. The essay score will not meet the passing requirements as the actual discussion points, as required are not properly developed. The essay strayed from the required discussion . That is the only reason for the scoredown.