Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

What, in your opinion, would be the most important elements of an ideal world to live in?


vtplsg 1 / -  
Jan 15, 2022   #1
It is undoubtedly true that living in an ideal society has been dreamt by all people throughout our whole history. A perfect society is defined on an influx of factors and individuals have their own vision of what their ideal society should look like . In this essay, I would present two main significant elements that are required in a world that everyone desires to live in.

The first but also prerequisite factor of a desirable society is that education is free to every individual and it goes without saying that education is utterly of paramount importance in this day and age. It is well known that illiteracy is one of the main factors which serves as a stumbling block in the advancement of a nation and render that country under-developed .Africa,for instance, is currently still a under-developed and impoverished country compared to other nations in the world due to the fact that government invest too little on education and the majority of its population cannot afford for formal education. Hence, I strongly believe that if education is made free, all citizens in the world are provided equal opportunity to go to school. As a result, they will get a good command of essential skills and acquire enough knowledge , thus landing a good-paid job in the future and having a much brighter life .

In addition to that, a perfect world that everyone always long for is the place where war, terrorism or conflict is non-existent. This is because war is synonymous with destruction, death and it also causes mankind to separate with their loved ones and live in horror . This can be illustrated that in the past, a plethora of unjust wars broke out, World War II is a case in point, which killed millions of lives and caused countless losses to humankind. On top of that, it left the victims of these unjust wars with psychological trauma and wounds which can never be healed. As indicated above, it is apparent that peace acts as a deciding factor in creating a world that everyone dreams of living in.

To encapsulate, I would conclude that, besides other factors , free education and peace are still crucial components of a worth-living world and each of us should join hands to build such a truly desirable society.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,308 3991  
Jan 15, 2022   #2
The writer has over-written this essay with almost 400 words in the presentation. This type of presentation is unrealistic and cannot be met during the actual test due to time constraints. The writer has simply gone overboard with his writing, with complete disregard for the timing considerations of the task. This is the main reason that this essay will fail in an actual test. Too much discussion means the writer will run out of writing time and end up with an incomplete essay, which will automatically get a failing score. The writer must learn proper time management within the alotted time frame.

The writer has also made a claim of absolute certainty in the first sentence, which is not a part of the original presentation. Rather than simple restatement and direct question responses, he instead began to discuss the topic in the incorrect paragraph. Another error that will lead to a failed test score.


Home / Writing Feedback / What, in your opinion, would be the most important elements of an ideal world to live in?