Unanswered [4] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Writing Feedback   Posts: 7

Task 2: Opinion about video games - more problems than benefits


Nhat Px 3 / 4  
Sep 13, 2018   #1
Topic: Some people regard video games as a harmless fun, or even as a useful education tool. Others, however believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the draw back of video games outweigh the benefits.

video games evil influences



Nowadays video games are a familiar method for human beings to release. While I accept that this type of entertainment temporarily makes people happy , its disadvantages prevail far more than its advantages.

To begin with, playing video games is incredibly detrimental to physical health. Focusing too excess on the monitors may impair eyesight which highly likely lead to an array of uncured eye diseases. People additionally struggle with their headaches providing they waste most of their time on the games. Furthermore, the gesture would be negatively affected since people have to sit to play game instead of going outside practicing exercises. There are more and more people all over the world, especially the yongter have troubles with their body only because they have no ideas how to be right in gesture on playing games.

Equally importantly, video games provided harmful knowledge to those who frequently expose to them. This fact can be attributed to myriads of factors. For instant prostitution advertisements popping up when a person is playing video games may fascinate him to click unsafe websites. Thus, he may update his mind with some negative information - the seed of devaluing personality. Besides, game online addiction is not a less dangerous problem. If people are induced in digital game, they will be in their dream that they are living another magic world . This situation prevents additive players from being social with their beloved ones. Nobody can predict or understand what they behave once they deeply live in the life of video game platform.

By way of conclusion, although video games still have their places for those who are in need of relaxing, their evil influences are undeniably overwhelmed the strong points.

stacy422 3 / 4  
Sep 13, 2018   #2
IELTS

to release - to relieve stress
which highly likely lead to - which is likely to
Equally importantly, video games provided harmful ... who are frequently exposed to them

You have good points in your essay. Just be careful of grammar and some spelling errors!
terminal28 5 / 41 6  
Sep 13, 2018   #3
Instead of "familiar method" consider using "popular method"

You have mentioned the bad effects on the eyes and health etc Do you have any studies/sources to support this claim? That would be extremely helpful to your essay. So you would rewrite that sentence to say something like "According to a recent Harvard study...." for example.

"their evil influences far outweigh the few benefits"
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,176 1785  
Sep 14, 2018   #4
Nguyen, this is one essay that should have been approached from a personal point of view / personal experience regarding the negative effect of videogames. Remember, the essay is asking "in your opinion", which negates the need for researched information, which you cannot do anyway during the pencil based test. Now, you ended up over discussing the essay topic to a certain extent because you chose to only present discussion points rather than fully developed essay reasoning paragraphs. This means that all of your C&C requirements in terms of clarity and conciseness were not met in the presentation. Therefore, your score for this essay may not be one that could be considered as passing.

You have the right number of paragraphs for the discussion , but there are certain instances, such as in the 3rd paragraph when you went over the maximum number of sentence per paragraph which is 5 sentences. You cannot present less than 3 per paragraph. As a first attempt, this essay shows your potential but a lack of clear understanding of how the prompt is to be discussed I do not doubt that you will be able to show improvements with your next essay once you read the examples for Task 2 essay writing at this forum.
OP Nhat Px 3 / 4  
Sep 14, 2018   #5
@Holt
You commented that this essay is about personal view so I mustn't give some research information, right? So, should I put some example like "According to a recent Harvard study...." or my own experienced example?
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,176 1785  
Sep 14, 2018   #6
No, do not use any researched references for this type of opinion essay. As I previously explained, this is a pen and paper test. You will not have any access to computers or internet connected gadgets. Therefore, you must rely on your personal opinion and examples from your own experience or the experience of people that you know.

Disregard the advice of Nicole as she did not know that you are writing an IELTS essay. Her advice is useful for writing academic research papers in a class setting and should not be take authoritatively at this point in relation to an IELTS test. She is unfamiliar with the IELTS essay test requirements. Her advice was based on academic requirements, not IELTS test requirements.

Use personal experience examples whenever required. Never researched information because you cannot do any research during the actual test. Practice as if you are taking the actual test. No research at all. Just use publicly known opinion, personal experience, and / or personal knowledge to justify your reasons within any form of discussion in a Task 2 essay. For this essay, you can say, "Based on my personal experience as an RPG gamer, I found that after playing for more than 4 hours per day, my eyesight..."
MTALY 2 / 4  
Sep 14, 2018   #7
For your conclusion, it needs to be a paragraph not just a one sentence. Also, you may need to address some proactive measures from your view to avoid the detrimental effect of video games.

Also, you should address both the benefits and drawbacks with extra emphasis on the part you agree with. So, in this case, you need to restructure your essay.

Good luck


Home / Writing Feedback / Task 2: Opinion about video games - more problems than benefits