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IELTS Writing: opinions on children's part-time job


zebraessay 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2010   #1
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinions on this?


These days, there has been much controversy as to whether children should take a part-time job or not. Some firmly believe that it is too early to get a job during the childhood, whereas others hold a viewpoint that it would be beneficial to them in terms of developing further ability of learning and taking responsibility. However, I have a firm belief that it is good for children to understand some aspects of life, but they should pay attention to avoid acquiring some inappropriate habits from workplace.

It is evident that children will grow up; eventually they have to deal with their works in adulthood. Therefore, the more they understand some aspects of life the better. For instance, being punctual and insisting on the performance of work, and so on. Moreover, these aspects such attitudes are not only beneficial to work, but also to study. Obviously, it is significantly important for a student to hold a view on insisting work hard and attend class regularly.

On the other hand, there are some debates regarding how to protect children from bad habits or risky behabiours. Thus, I suggest that parents should cautiously judge what kinds of work are suitable for their next younger generation and closely monitor their social relations. For example, children should not be allowed to undertake those jobs that are beyond their capacities, like lifting too heavy goods. In addition, children should stay away from some friends who are smoking for their health.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that it is acceptable for children to have a part time job in order to cultivate positive attitudes and useful skills for present learning and further jobs but parents should take care of children and protect them from dangerous tasks and unhealthy behaviours.

300 words

*Please give me some suggestions, many thanks!

ept1961 - / 8  
Mar 10, 2010   #2
Hi Aaron

Some good ideas and some very carefully constructed sentences. Occasionally your writing is a little formal: perhaps you could use simpler wording. One thing which makes your writing seem formal is the use of phrases such as:

- These days, there has been much controversy as to whether

- there are some debates regarding how to

- I once again reaffirm my position that it is acceptable

IELTS examiners are on the look-out for boilerplate text or memorized phrases: it is sometimes better to just get into the main idea of your essay. Your second paragraph is much better because it gives your viewpoint without padding.

Has there really been controversy over part-time jobs for children? Where? Who is arguing about this? Perhaps one way around this could be:

Parents often worry about letting their children do part-time work
or
Some psychologists are concerned that children who work part-time are taking on too much.

Here's a small suggestion for one sentence...

Obviously, it is significantly important for a student to hold a view on insisting work hard and attend class regularly.

(Obviously), it is valuable for students to learn about the need for hard work and regular attendance.
or
Working hard and attending regularly are valuable lessons for students.

Vocabulary:
In Paragraph 2 'work', not 'works'
In Paragraph 3, I might use 'capabilities' rather than capacities .

Did you know that there are 53 words in your last sentence?! :) Short sentences are usually easier to read, and a mix of short and long sentences is a good goal to aim for. That's why your paragraph 2 works so well.
OP zebraessay 1 / 2  
Mar 11, 2010   #3
^^~ Thank you so much Enda T. I am so grateful.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 11, 2010   #4
...to avoid acquiring some inappropriate habits from the workplace.

It is evident that children will grow up; eventually they have to deal with their work in adulthood.

This is an incomplete sentence:
For instance, being punctual and insisting on the performance of work, and so on.
For instance, they need to know the importance of being punctual and insisting on the performance of work, and so on.

Hey Enda, you are a hero!! Nice job...
OP zebraessay 1 / 2  
Mar 12, 2010   #5
Thanks for your help,Kevin~


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