Hi Aaron
Some good ideas and some very carefully constructed sentences. Occasionally your writing is a little formal: perhaps you could use simpler wording. One thing which makes your writing seem formal is the use of phrases such as:
- These days, there has been much controversy as to whether
- there are some debates regarding how to
- I once again reaffirm my position that it is acceptable
IELTS examiners are on the look-out for boilerplate text or memorized phrases: it is sometimes better to just get into the main idea of your essay. Your second paragraph is much better because it gives your viewpoint without padding.
Has there really been controversy over part-time jobs for children? Where? Who is arguing about this? Perhaps one way around this could be:
Parents often worry about letting their children do part-time workor
Some psychologists are concerned that children who work part-time are taking on too much.Here's a small suggestion for one sentence...
Obviously, it is significantly important for a student to hold a view on insisting work hard and attend class regularly.
(Obviously), it is valuable for students to learn about the need for hard work and regular attendance.or
Working hard and attending regularly are valuable lessons for students.Vocabulary:
In Paragraph 2 'work', not 'works'
In Paragraph 3, I might use 'capabilities' rather than
capacities .
Did you know that there are 53 words in your last sentence?! :) Short sentences are usually easier to read, and a mix of short and long sentences is a good goal to aim for. That's why your paragraph 2 works so well.