Opinions are divided on question whether noise should be restricted or not. Ielts - task2

Here is my ielts writing essay, I sincerely hope someone can give me advice.

Some people think that the amount of noise people make should be strictly controlled, while others say that people are free to make as much noise as they wish. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

noise should be controlled strictly?

Opinions are divided on whether noise should be restricted. Although it seems impossible to ban people from making noise,My view is that we should at least take measures to restrict noisemaking.

On the one hand, making noise is understandable because creating noise is sometimes unavoidable. For example, on the construction site, it is difficult for construction workers not to make any noise to finish their works. Also, noise-making is usually considered as a mean of recreation and stress-buster in our day-to-day life. Throwing a party with friends and cheering loudly for the soccer clubs that they support are popular in any corners of the world , and roughly impossible to be banned or restricted. It can thus be concluded that it is unwise to control noise seriously.

On the other hand, the view that making noise ought to be controlled is reasonable for several reasons. Firstly, it has a detrimental effect on neighbours' health and productivity. Exposure to a noisy environment, residents are possibly prone to some diseases, such as headaches. Besides, disturbed in the evening, people, especially students, may find it difficult to focus on their study in the daytime. Secondly, noise-makers are morally wrong. More specifically, they only care about their happiness, even though they bring inconvenience and sadness to others. It therefore is important to ensure that people can live in a quiet neighborhood.

In conclusion, making noise may lead to a serious of problems, while it is difficult not to allow it. From my point of view, people should show respects to people living nearby, and try to control the noise that they make, which can be beneficial to the people as a whole.

I think your essay should be divided into 5 paragraphs with 3 main paragraphs. Because you have to discuss both these views (2 paragraphs) and give your own opinion (1 more paragraph). I see that the way you used some words and made sentences is quite natural but you need more clearly to get a higher score.

Hi. I see your writing style is natural and the flow of idea is spot-on. However it is inevitable to make some mistakes. Let me show you:

being disturbed in ...
It therefore it is important
From my point of view perspective. I think it sounds better.
on the construction sites
making noise is understandable ... I feel like this sentence is kinda iffy, so I'd write more simply like this: It is sometimes inevitable to make noise

Vince, when writing the 2 POV + Personal POV essay, it is always important to highlight the ownership of the statements being provided. When you do not use terms such as:

A group of people believe...

A sector of the population support the idea that...

Parts of the population admit that...

A sizeable number of the public...

you fail to properly represent your response to the prompt requirement. Ownership of the statements clarifies that you understood that the first 2 parts of the discussion come from the public domain and the last part comes from your personal experience, knowledge, or opinion based on an assessment of the first 2 public opinions. Without the reference as to whose opinion is being discussed, the essay comes across as being totally from your personal point of view, which could affect your TA score. It is best to clarify whose opinion is discussed in order to prevent that. Remember, you are also being scored on the clarity of your discussion presentation. So the reader needs to know who is speaking and about what at all times.