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TOEFL -You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks.


sandipsinh 37 / 90 3  
Mar 14, 2014   #1
Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.
( I found this prompt little unsuitable for essay writing, However as i found it in one of the practicing site i am writing essay on this topic)

Globalization has brought countries of the world nearer to each other. Off late people use to commute places for commerce and trade that triggered industrial revolution and ignited the zeal of seeing other countries. This fashion started by Industrial revolutionaries allowed people to travel world for amusement and increasing their knowledge about the world. With the same will i would like to visit India.

Firstly, my parents and relatives are settle in Gujarat state of India. That serves me a very good reason to visit India and with increasing obligations of life i gets rare opportunity to see them. I desire to meet them and have some quality time with my siblings. With them I can travel several cities of Gujarat such as Surat, Ghandinagar and Ahmedabad to see various historical museum and Hindu temples. I precisely wants to visit Gandhi ashram constructed in honor of legendary freedom fighter of India - Mohandas karmchand Gandhi. This museum has various utensils, handmade thread processing machineries used by him. Gujarat's Gir forest is one of the prominent sanctuary of the India, I would like to view Lions from as near as it is possible. This species of lions roams in terrain provided to them by Gujarat Government. My visit to India will allow me to browse Gujarat state with my few family members who are residing in India.

Secondly, I have not seen even major places of India hence I would first like to see India. I have heard that India is been deemed as "Golden bird" therefore I want to find out what made primitive people to give this title to today's under developing country India. However India's unduly affluence is quit conspicuous from their wide range of culture as such I would like to see northern and southern states of India. I'll start from Jammu and Kashmir and end my journey at Mahabaleshwar. Although I will not able to see all the places of India due to lack of time, nevertheless i would get idea about mythology, history and creed and belief of the Indian populace.

Travelling other place for any reason gives us an opportunity to gain insight about the world. Also allows us to connect with our other brothers and sisters in different hemisphere of the earth. I discern before trying to know about other planets and life possibility in there, we must explore our world first, therefore i would start my travel to see the world form country INDIA.

jon_snow 8 / 28 5  
Mar 14, 2014   #2
good writing indeed. however, i think some grammatical problems are there.

I have heard that India is been deemed as "Golden bird" therefore I want to find out what made primitive people to give this title to today's under developing country India

it will be better if you write it in this way :"I heard that ancient people had deemed India as "Golden Bird". Therefore I am curious what made primitive people to give that title to India "

that "is been deemed" sounds wrong to me...

anyway overall excellent writing... :)
OP sandipsinh 37 / 90 3  
Mar 16, 2014   #3
you right budy was or had would be right.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Mar 16, 2014   #4
Off late people use to commute places for commerce and trade that triggered industrial revolution and ignited the zeal of seeing other countries.

For me, I find this sentence pretty confusing :( ... "Off late"? Do you mean "Since late" ?
Try to express your ideas more clearly because clarity of your sentences matters the most in writing.
Also, in your introduction you have very little said in relation to the topic. This is the structure dumi suggests for introduction for this task. Although it is more suitable for Agree/ Disagree type of topics you can follow the same style for introducing this topic too;
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 17, 2014   #5
Well, overall, your essay needs better presentation. You tend to construct too complicated sentences. Avoid that and write simple, yet interesting sentence. Remember, the most important aspect in writing is that clarity of your ideas.

Firstly, my parents and relatives are settled in Gujarat state of India.

That serves me a very good reason to visit India and with increasing obligations of lifeigetsI get a rare opportunity to see them.


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