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Options on transportation improvement


tcl1120 9 / 27  
Apr 6, 2019   #1
Topic: in a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Since I am very interesting in this topic, it would grateful if you can assess my grade in the formal ielts exam. Appreciated!~

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It is often considered that spending the great amount of expenditures in constructing inter-city high speed rail would be an effective way to improve the public transportation system, while others argued that it would not be a viable solution without the comprehensive local public railway system. This essay would discuss the effectiveness and overall advantages in both views along with my opinions.

Firstly, it is undeniable that express rail has became a trend for connecting cites and countries. In order to well prepare for opportunities brought from globalization, construction of high-speed rail is indispensable. Industries, such as tourism, trading and logistics would be definitely benefited from the development of inter-cities and inter-countries railway systems. Furthermore, the pollution problems associated with transports could be improved due to reduction in driving private vehicles. One particularly salient example is that the air pollution problems in China have been drastically improved after launching the high speed rail among the metropolises. Thus, it is obvious why express rail would become considerably popular in many countries.

On the other hand, upgrading the existing transit rails could utilize the performance of local transportation system. Bangkok is a case in point. The local Metro company has invested great amount of expenditures in improving the reliability and availability of public railway system in order to relieve the traffic congestion at peak hours. The passengers' satisfaction and experience were enhanced rapidly, while problems of air pollution and green house gas emission could also be undermined.

By way of conclusion, it is considered that particular merits in both constructing high speed rail and upgrading existing transit rail are valuable for economic, social and environmental aspects, while I personally believe that the international network is more important for countries' development, especially under the era of globalization. The priority of expending high-speed railway network shall be higher, thereby taking the overall advantages from global business and cooperation.

icebear24 3 / 4 1  
Apr 6, 2019   #2
hi!
There are some grammar mistakes that I've noticed:
...spending a great amount... on constructing...
In order to prepare well
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Apr 6, 2019   #3
@tcl1120
Great start for your essay!I do still have a couple of key recommendations to better your structure and flow.
In your first paragraph, I would rather that you slice your first sentence into two separate points. By doing this, you can be more straightforward with your language. This is an especially important trait in IELTS because you are working with word counts.

Avoid being redundant as well with your usage of language.While it is commendable how comprehensive and formal your wordings are, you should opt to havea more direct approachto your essay considering the nature of this test.

In line with this, I could revise the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph as:
One salient example is China's improvement in managing its air pollution after launching the high speed rail.

Simply toy with the words.Move them around until you have optimized the space that you have. Another good example for this can be seen through your last paragraph. Instead of sayingby way of conclusion, simply sayin conclusion. These small changes can contribute a lot to transforming the entirety of your essay.

Follow these guidelines throughout your essay. You're doing great. Best of luck!


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