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'organise yourself' Should teenagers work while they are students? (TOEFL)


claudio94 2 / 4  
Jan 10, 2013   #1
Hey everyone. I'm preparing for the TOEFL ibt test, which i hope to get an average of 84 out of 120. I just need some feedback from someone please. I appreciate it, thank you.

PS: If someone can also grade me out of 100, it would also help me a lot.

topic: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

300 word essay.

In my opinion, i think that if a teenager has the oportunity to have a part-time job, then he or she should not let the chance go, mainly because this would help teenagers mature faster, and have the chance to gain work and ¨hands on¨ experience. There are other various reasons for having a part-time job while being a student.

Firstly, if you have a job, that means that you need to organise yourself. Nowadays, many teenagers are irresponsible, and do not have a clear view of where their future is headed. Having a job means that you would need to combine time for working and time for studying. Your studies are obviously more important than your job, which is why you need to be organized. Many students who have a lot of free time tend to waste a lot of this time, like playing video games, going out somewhere, or just watching television at home. If they had something better to do, like working, then they would be gaining a lot of experience, and becoming more open-minded.

Secondly, having a job means meeting new people and achieving team work skills. For example, if you work as a waiter at a restaurant, then you would have to get along with your co-workers and team work would be put to the test. Also, socializing with people you do not know helps you prepare yourself for future situations, like for example presenting a school project in front of thirty people or doing well at a job interview. Sometimes we do not take into account these things, but they are very important for communicating and getting to know the world around you.

In conclussion, i personally think that having a job while being a student is curcial for the maturity of a student. It helps them grow, develop new skills, and what's more important, preparing yourself for the real world..

dpmg945 - / 19 3  
Jan 10, 2013   #2
don't use the he or she.. the first sentence is a run on sentence you could split it into two sentences..overall the essay is decent, when I did the toefl I don't remember having a word limit so if you don't have one you should make your conclusion longer and create a thesis which you try to mention at the end of each paragraph and serves to sum up everything at the conclusion.
OP claudio94 2 / 4  
Jan 10, 2013   #3
Thank you so much, i appreciate you message :)
dpmg945 - / 19 3  
Jan 10, 2013   #4
just don't stress over the toefl is not really hard you probablly just have to practice for the writing and speaking part the reading part is easy.. it also depends on your english level but believe me the TOEFL is easier than the SATs or the ACT
dibya 4 / 11 2  
Jan 10, 2013   #5
claudio94

Hi Claudio,

TOEFL prefers less complex sentences unlike the below one:
If they had something better to do, like working, then they would be gaining a lot of experience, and becoming more open-minded.
So please see if you could avoid such things...otherwise its a nice essay.
OP claudio94 2 / 4  
Jan 12, 2013   #6
thank you for your message, it means a lot to me :)
Azizullah - / 2  
Jan 12, 2013   #7
Hi Claudio,

Your essay is okey just try to observe the capitalizations. like instead of writing "i" write "I".
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 13, 2013   #8
Good introduction. Very direct and factual. : )

and do not have a clear view of where their future is headed.

...and do not have a clear vision about their future ... there's nothing wrong with the way you have presented this idea. I just introduced you a good "key word" . Yes, "vision" is a very good key word that adds a good punch to this idea. :D

Having a job means that you would need to combine time for working and time for studying.

Another key word' "Manage"
Having a job means one needs to manage time well to achieve a good balance between working and studying.


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