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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: THE ORIGIN OF SUCCESS


hungnemo 1 / -  
Aug 26, 2017   #1
Task 2: Some people believe that success in life depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

MY ESSAY:

to reach success in life



There are different views about factors leading to individual's achievements. While it is believed that the key role of material wealth and appearance, I hold a firm belief that there is no success without diligence and persistence.

On the one hand, it leaves no doubt that wealth and beauty are of paramount importance to achieve successfully. The first reason to support it is that because social members in affluent families are probable to have reliable foundation for their development. This helps them to make success more simply . Moreover, with regard to those equipped with abundant financial health, they have numerous chances to be furnished with a much more high-quality education. Therefore, they are likely to acquire enough knowledge to launch their business. Secondly, in terms of physical appearance, it is indisputable fact that an overwhelming initial impression of external image plays a crucial role in certain domains such as fashion, entertainment, model...Indeed, a lot of people are ready to waste vast of money to own the beauty and physical attractiveness. The more alluring a singer or a model is, the more attention they draw from audiences and the greater opportunities they gain.

Despite the personal finance and look's substantial contribution to people's achievements, the likelihood is that determination and perservance hold the keys to door of the success for several following grounds. To begin with, this means while the value of money and personal appearance are possible to not endure in the long run, only assiduity allow the general public's lasting prosperity. This has been proved in some cases when many famous artists are capable to receive invitations to cast chances with ease, however, they will be likely to face the high risk of being rejected if they do not expose both their great potentials and persistent improvements to maintain their reputation. In addition to the first reason, it is widely acknowledged that the people always highly appreciate assiduous workers regardless of their backgrounds or external defects

In conclusion, it seems to me that people are industrious and determined are more possible to reach success in their life; howerver, outward appearance could be one of the most vital aspects leading successful life.

minhphuccttv 4 / 11  
Aug 26, 2017   #2
Hello Hùng,

I think:

In your introduction, when you paraphrase, you need to make sure that all aspects of the original are reflect in your version. Therefore, your presentation should have looked like the one below:

How can i success in my life?. People always try to finger out the best solution for this question because success is the most important in life. Therefore, There are different views about factors leading to individual's achievements. While it is believed that the key role of material wealth and appearance, I hold a firm belief that there is no success without diligence and persistence.

In your second paragraph, i think it is very smooth because you showed the importance of money and personal appearance in order so people easy to understand.But in the third paragraph why didn't you present like the second? I think if you do like that it will be better.

I hope it can help you.

Minh Phuc
trungkienpeter 2 / 5  
Aug 26, 2017   #3
let look again this sentence: " are of paramount importance to achieve successfully" " it is that because "
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 26, 2017   #4
Nemo, please disregard the example opening statement that Phuc gave you as an example. While he meant well and did his best to imitate the way that I give examples for the opening statement, his example is very much wrong. When he posed a question at the start of the essay, he immediately created a prompt deviation which altered the whole original prompt discussion. If you do that, your essay will immediately fail because you are not discussing the correct prompt instructions. Rather than his example, note the one I am providing below instead because this is the correct version of the proper prompt requirement:

There is a group of people that have the belief that the individual success of a person is determined by his hard work and determination in life. Others believe that money and personal appearance, among other reasons, are more important indicators of the success of a person. In this essay, I will be discussing both points of view and offering a personal opinion that will reflect my belief in relation to this discussion topic.

The opening statement must never be more than a direct to the point personal interpretation of the given topic for discussion and the discussion instruction for the essay. Covering at least 3 sentences, this is the most pivotal part of the essay because once you make a mistake in the interpretation of the prompt instruction, the essay will not have a chance to pass, regardless of the strong discussion that you present because it will not be in accordance with the expected discussion criteria.

Your body paragraphs are too busy giving out too much partial information for it to be considered a coherent and cohesive discussion. Limit yourself to one topic per paragraph. So that means, the format is:

1. Paraphrase
2. Point of view 1 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
2. Point of view 2 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
3. Personal point of view with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
4. Concluding statement

Do not write less than 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet the fully developed paragraph requirement of the essay. For the conclusion, just repeat the discussion topic (in a different manner), the most important points of the 3 paragraphs, and then close the essay with a closing sentence. Do not say "It seems to me...". Rather say "In conclusion, the different criteria for determining the success of a person in life..." That is the more appropriate way to start closing the essay discussion.


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