People flocking to metropolitan regions
That people are increasingly flocking to metropolitan regions in search of appealing opportunities has driven urban areas to overpopulated zones. This trend is currently posing several distressful problems which should be identified and intervened by both goverments and individuals with specific measures.
The most noticeable issue is environmental damage. As human population keeps accelerating, exhaustible natural resources continue to drop sharply. In fact, people recklessly chop down forests for wood to cater for the housing demands of a large population. Consequently, loss of trees leads to more floods which would be an obstacle for human day-to-day work. Furthermore, citizens have to face up with increased emergence of new epidemics and pandemics. Poor living conditions as well as inadequate healthcare are the conveniences for bacteria's growth and new dangerous diseases appear from then, namely cholera or respiratory infections.
It is crucial that radical solutions be formulated to combat the aforementioned problems. Firstly, local authority should adopt harsher punishments for ones that deliberately do illegal logging activities. With tight policies, forests will be properly managed and protected from loggers. Another possibility is to encourage others to keep people's accommodation hygienic and make healthcare services accessible for even impoverished households. Typically, an infant definitely needs to receive sufficient vaccines to be resistant to several diseases.
All in all, it is obvious that fast growing population in big cities in the world today has so far contributed to burning issues to society. Tough regulations together with healthcare services promotion are what governors and citizens can do to prevent overpopulation.
I think your essay is good. Here are some opinions, I hope they will help you.
1/ Your strength
- You have solid vocabulary and grammar structures, which show readers that you clearly conveyed your ideas
- You have good opinions and have a wide range of vocabulary to express them
- Clear explanation (main body paragraph 1), but inconsistency
2/ Some mistakes related to grammar and inappropriate word choices
goverments => governments. A small spelling mistake might sometimes negatively affect the score of the entire essay.
- Article: As the human population....; with the increased emergence....; a/the local authority should...; etc. You might want to have a look again because basic grammar mistakes will severely reduce your score.
It is crucial that radical solutions be formulated to.... => Radical solutions must be formulated to.....; it is obvious that fast growing. The clarity of these two sentences is unclear and wordy. You should write a short sentence and it conveys a CLEAR idea, rather than following some grammar formulas as they will prevent readers from understanding your point of view.
- Try not to start your sentences by "It is said that..." because people use this structure more in news report than academic writing
- Avoid using unnecessary synonyms (epidemics and pandemics) because it won't increase your score even though it helps you to reach limited words.
- Some inappropriate words that reduce the readability of your essay as follows:
flocking to..... => People flocking to big cities doesn't mean that they will increase the city's population because they just come there for something that "interesting or exciting happening at that place".
+cater for.... => this phrase is inappropriate in this context because the entire sentence doesn't mention any specific group of people.
+ Face up to the increased......=> We don't say "face up with"
for => We say for somebody's convenience/ the convenience of doing something/ convenience to something
3/ The content of the essay
- Since there is no specific topic included, I assumed that this is a "problem-solution" essay. The first topic sentence is pretty confusing that you are paraphrasing the topic or else? Because the topic mentions that overpopulation leads to serious problems, and you indicated people coming to metropolitan regions => overpopulated zones.
- Although you connected well between the first and the second sentence, the introduction paragraph is still UNCLEAR. You ought to point out at least ONE SPECIFIC PROBLEM AND SOLUTION right in the introduction paragraph to make sure you get the CC score.
- You have good opinions, but you express too many of them in one paragraph (both the problem and the solution paragraph). That will stop you from developing the paragraph clearly because the sentences rarely support each other.
- There are no examples in the essay
- Your writing is slightly off-topic since none of your ideas is fully developed. Sometimes it sounds like protecting the environment, and sometimes it sounds like preventing illnesses. I would recommend that you pick one idea, explain HOW it is serious, what is the result it brings, and indicate some examples relating to that idea.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,211 3650
Your presentation is good but the ideas are little developed. It would be better if you learn to use the 2 body paragraphs in two ways. In this instance, you should present the topic sentence or problem as the opening sentence of the essay, then explain why this problem needs to be solved, and finally, explain what sort of solution can be presented to address the issue. You can use up to 5 sentences per paragraph to do that. Then go on to the 2nd body and do the same thing. That will allow you to present a well developed discussion for 2 example problems. You have to show a clarity of thought and understanding of the discussion through properly developed discussion paragraphs. What I am suggesting is the best way for you to approach that presentation.