Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

TASK II : own business instead of working for a company or organisation

Abraham22 20 / 11 15  
Sep 27, 2015   #1
Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages ?

Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Taking a chance to make a choice is the starting point to determine the plans for the future. While some people argue that to build a business start-up capital becomes an acute problem, others more likely to establish their own business as it is extremely seductive, easier to control and giving a social impact than working in an institute. I personally believe it will give more advantages for human's life.

At first glance, the main problem to establish a personal company is capital. The performance of a company will be able to run well if the net-operating cost can be fulfilled. For instance, an amateur businessman has to devise the way of how to meet all operational cost such as paying a wage to the employees, electricity bills, taxes and so on; as a consequence, capital fixed has to be always budgeted. All in all, the capital to build a company becomes quite crucial.

However, having a personal business also has dire effects on several core sides that forceful impact of the human's life. Firstly, for the owners, a business opens a large chance to get more income, such as Bill Gates as shareholders' equity of Microsoft. Personal business also gives full control toward the owners to oversee their company, like the proprietor of Facebook, Mark Zurkerberg, keeps track of the progress his venture by means of controlling the centre although their business has spread of in the world. Furthermore, by personal company it will create greater employment opportunities such as tobacco companies in Indonesia has employed thousands of people.

To conclude, it is evident that having own business provide of various benefits not only for the owner but also for the society. If a private business more and more, it will open up the opportunity to become the independent people.
mram12 1 / 3 1  
Sep 27, 2015   #2
This is a great essay! Maybe to make it more fuller you could add your story and why YOU think starting your own business is a good idea and conclude why you want to pressure your aspirations. :)
vangiespen - / 4,136 1449  
Sep 28, 2015   #3
Aditya, your essay is a grammatical nightmare but a reader can somewhat understand what the point you are trying to make is. I would have liked to have seen you discuss this from a first person point of view / interest since the prompt asked you use your own knowledge or experience in discussing your reasons. While using Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg was a good example, these were expected and common examples. As such, your example would not have really impressed the examiner.

Had you approached this essay topic from a personal standpoint, you would have made a better impression on the reviewer. I find it hard to believe that you never dreamed of owning your own business. If you had just added the term "I believe" to the start of your first reason, you would have come across to the examiner as a person who has the ability to analyze the topics on a deeper level than just superficial, which is what Gates and Zuckerberg represent. The more personal your line of reasoning, the better the score you would have gotten.

By the way, what did you mean by" If a private business more and more," It doesn't make any sense. It lacks a coherent thought process. Can you please reconsider what you meant and complete the message / essence of that sentence? In a scored essay test, this mistake would have proven to be costly to you. It could actually have spelled the difference between passing and failing the test. In this case, you would have automatically failed.

Home / Writing Feedback / TASK II : own business instead of working for a company or organisation