Hi Mardian..
Below are my suggestions to finalize your essayIt happens because the owner is focus to make his company getting more benefits
IT HAPPENS BECAUSE THE OWNER FOCUS ON MAKING HIS COMPANY MORE BENEFITS.
you have to remember that each sentence only has one main verb.... attention things must
to do BE CONDUCTED, EXCEPT
besides THE business itself.
Turning to the body paragraph, I am gonna concentrate on the contents. Honestly, your explanation did not answer the question. The statement asked you to decide your position, agreement or disagreement. I know that your first paragraph reviewed about the disagreement. However, you were only likely to elucidate the ways to get more money.
they will earn much money because of ...
... focus on his restaurant, he could get a lot of incomes
Many things that companies need to focus on, such as ...
You should display the intro which can show your position.
HOWEVER, MY VANTAGE POINT IS LIKELY TO THINK THAT THE COMPANY IS SUPPOSED TO DIVIDE CONCENTRATION TO A FEW SECTORS SUCH AS SOCIAL......
... to get much money, BUT they have to r...
You cannot merge two sentences without the conjunctionfocus only to
focus only about
Avoid repetition and pay attention to collocation. "FOCUS ON"So, companies do not have
THEREFORE, the companies do
(there you need the linking word, not the conjunction)Hopefully, those can help you to enhance your skill
Keep writing
GOOD LUCK