Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their teenagers


tleuliyeva 3 / 5  
Feb 4, 2011   #1
Full title: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their (15 to 18 year-old) teenage children.Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

Whether parents or other adult relatives should make the important decisions for their teenagers is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates. While some people argue that teenagers need guidance from their parents or older relatives, others believe that teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions.

Many people use to guide their children in their lives and sometimes even do not allow them to make their own decisions. Nowadays most teenagers suffer because of the dictations from their older relatives at home and wish to live independently as soon as possible. Some teenagers often talk about their problems at home with their close friends and most of these problems relate because of the misunderstanding between teenagers and their parents. It is clear that parents do not always understand their teenagers, because the world is constantly changing, which results the changing of character of people, their behavior and especially their interests in life.

However, some adults believe that teenagers have to make their own decisions which will help them to be more responsible and experienced persons in the future. Teenagers as well as adult people should have chance to live with their own choice in their lives. Probably, teenagers would make some mistakes with their own decisions, but these mistakes will only help them to be stronger and more responsible. Also through mistakes teenagers can understand the whole meaning of the life and will start to think properly before making any decision. It will help them to grow progressively and to be an individual successful person in the future. However one cannot deny that adults should see when their children need some help, because they have just started to live in the real world, and try to help them.

In conclusion, teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions in their lives, because through their own experiences they will be more responsible, but the role of adults is still very important for all teenagers and it will continue to be in the future, as only parents and relatives can help teenagers in difficult moments in their real world and support them anytime.

I need your help.
Would you mind revising and giving a few feedback for this essay?
I'm taking Academic IELTS very soon and need to practice my writing skills, I will be happy if you meet my request.
Thank you for your advices.

LisaTheKidd 2 / 7  
Feb 4, 2011   #2
I think that this is a good start. getting all of your ideas out there is important, but the organization can be improved a bit.

The first sentence doesn't really say much about your opinion on the issue, or why it is an issue. If it were me, I'd drop that first sentence and add one about your own opinion- that is, after all, why we're reading the essay.

Whether parents or other adult relatives should make the important decisions for their teenagers is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates. While some people argue that teenagers need guidance from their parents or older relatives, others believe that teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions.

I like the second sentence here. this is the heart of the matter- what you'll be discussing in your essay. now's the part where you should state your opinion, and the rest of the essay will be supporting your point. from what I read, the gist of your opinion is something like:

While parents will always have an important role in the lives of their teenagers, allowing them to make their own decisions is the best thing they can do to foster growth, individuality, and success.

Always try to sum up your opinion early on, people generally want to know what your paper is about before they get in too deep.

Something else that I think will really help your writing is to maintain the same tense. In some places you're using hypothetical terms, like "would" while in others we see "will." Either tense will do, but be clear about how you want to approach the topic.

Also, as a matter of opinion, I'm not a fan of when people begin conclusions with "In conclusion." I think you can just jump into the paragraph. The last sentence is definitely a run-on, as well. Try to break it up.

teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions in their lives, because through their own experiences they will be more responsible
The last bit just seems like pontificating; again, you've strayed from what you really mean to express in the essay.
I hope I've been helpful- good luck on your exam!
OP tleuliyeva 3 / 5  
Feb 6, 2011   #3
Lisa, thank you a lot!!!
Your suggestions are very useful for me. And I will remember your remarks about "Will" and "Would". I very appreciate your help from the deepest of my heart!
jamessuh 3 / 4  
Feb 6, 2011   #4
In conclusion, teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions in their lives, because through their own experiences they will be more responsible, but the role of adults is still very important for all teenagers and it will continue to be in the future, as only parents and relatives can help teenagers in difficult moments in their real world and support them anytime.

Your last sentence is too long and unclear. It looks like a perfunctory antithesis, however to put that in your conclusion is somewhat problematic. If you are going to cite an opposing statement, you have to do that in your body paragraphs and refute so that it returns back to your arguement. To mention it there and leave it, however, does not help to strengthen your essay.

While putting the antithesis before your thesis would be better than the original essay, for example:
While the role of adults is important for all teenagers and it will continue to be, teenagers still should be allowed to make their own decisions in their lives.

because it ends the essay with a sentence that still supports your arguement, it is still better to not mention it at all if you are not going to refute it.

Alternatively, you might want to restate your supporting points for your arguement.
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Feb 12, 2011   #5
Whether parents or other adult relatives should make the important decisions for their teenagers is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates.

Sometimes a short sentence is better at the beginning of an essay, because it catches the reader's attention:
Should parents and relatives make important decisions for teenagers? is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates. While some people argue that...

:-)


Home / Writing Feedback / Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their teenagers