Subject: Some parents buy their children whatever they ask for, and allow their children to do whatever they want. Is this a good way to raise children? What consequences could this style of parenting have for children as they get older?
Some parents are tending to overly indulge children by adapting to their every request. This is not a positive parenting style and even worse, it causes adverse outcomes to young people.
To raise good children, parents have to choose an appropriate way. It is advisable that they keep a certain discipline instead of complying with all orders from kids. They had better refuse to an unreasonable request, for examples, to own a smart phone at the age of five.
On the contrary, too indulgent parents are considered to spoil their own children in some ways. Those who were used to being treated with excessive lenience may grow up taking things for granted and thus, do not treasure what they are possessing. In addition, although kids may be nice when their wants are satisfied, they will be disobedient and become aggressively behaved when rejected. Gradually, this will form a bad habit in young people. In the long term, overly indulged children are likely to become either dependent adults who have no determination to achieve their goals, or perverse and selfish youngsters who use every trick or even commit crime to get what they desire.
It is obvious that excessive indulgence has detrimental impacts on children's future. Therefore, parents should be permissive to some extent and wisely put a discipline for their kids.
Example (this might be just type-error but noticeble to the reader.
become aggressively behaved
You can either write Behave aggressively or become aggressive
You made a good point in explaining the consequences of this kind of parenting.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,289 3984
Tran, I like the way that you presented your ideas in this essay. You should have expanded upon your opening paraphrase by at least 1-3 more sentences to create a better showcase of your English comprehension skills though. There are also a few problems with regards to proper paragraph development that made paragraphs 2 and 3 not as effective a presentation as it should have been. Let me explain why this happened.
In paragraph 2, you need to better explain why not refusing every request from a child forms a bad habit. How does giving a 5 year old a smart phone begin to create a bad habit of a child? What does this evolve into as the child gets older? There should be at 2 more sentences added to better explain the meaning of your example.
In paragraph 3, you have too many topics for discussion presented when the required topic per paragraph discussion is only 1. Had you chosen to discuss how they become disobedient when their wants and caprices are refused by the parents only, you would have been able to present a strong, though short, but informative paragraph.
Your concluding statement is also lacking in discussion presentation. Since it is only 2 sentences long, it is an open ended presentation You need to properly summarize the discussion topics and consequences presented in that statement. You have a good summary topic sentence at the start, but the later summary is incomplete.
Try to utilize more transition sentences in your paragraph presentations from one paragraph to the next in order to help the cohesiveness and coherence scoring of your essay. Your presentations are abrupt and do not really represent an interconnected body of discussions. The next paragraph just hits the reader in the face, which makes it a bit difficult to keep track of the provided discussions.
Improve on the points a I mentioned in your next essay and you should see a big difference in your presentation styles that can help you get a better overall score in the future.