Write about the following topic.
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statements?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, the problems of unhealthy lifestyle has been faced the child life. Some of recent articles often reports the topic about the important roles of parents and schools as the agents of children first role models. I suppose the statements which said the parents and schools have the biggest responsibility in children lifestyle. Overall, the parents should be concerning towards common of unhealthy lifestyle by overseeing the child's activities started from their foods consumption to their un-healthcare behavior.
In fact, food choices always being the most common problems of the kindergarten or the child in early age period. However, some of the child usually eat some food or snacks that non-hygiene or not enough nutrition for their grown period. So, the role of parents and schools in here for directing the child to be more selected of their food consumption or snack choices. As example, the women as being the mother in Japan almost 75 % have been controlling their child food by provides the child for brings the meals before going to schools or play group. These aimed for prevents the child in consuming the unhealthy foods during in the school or outside the home. Whereas, the schools also can take their position as an agent of against the child in consuming unhealthy foods. For example, the schools can provides the healthy meals as menu of the school's cafeteria such as the chicken pour, fruits salad, vegetables egg rolls and other healthy drinks such as milk or yoghurt rather than supplies the flavor snacks or the sugary drinks.
In addition, the parents and the schools should be against the un-healthcare behavior of the child. For example, the child's behavior than non-hygiene during eating and playing time. Occasionally, the children keep eating or take a meals that has been fallen on the ground. So, the main duty for parents and the schools is giving the child's more knowledge of hygiene life such as simply practices of hand-wash before take a meals or after play. Whereas in the schools, the children should be got an information or socialization of hand-wash practices and its effect toward the children health. At least, the parents and the schools should have been giving an excellent role models to the child during their growing time.
Aloha, I am confident to say you still have problems with basic structure for example; in your essay, you write;
(1) the problems of unhealthy lifestyle has been faced the child lifeyou should write ; the problems of unhealthy lifestyle have been faced by the child life
(2) food choices always beingare always the most common (...) the child in early ageaged period (your sentence has no main verb)
(3) the child/the children(be careful in writing article "the" because it can change your meaning)
the problems of unhealthy lifestyle has have been faced by children
Some of recent articles often reportsreport the topic
"I suppose the statements which said the parents and schools have the biggest responsibility in children lifestyle" i think this sentence is not finished yet, what do you mean by saying this?
food consumption, not foods consumption, food is uncountable
some of the childsome of the children usually
it seems like you have problem with subject + verb agreement, i havent finish to chech all of your essay, let others give another feedback
Hi miss sarlinda.
actually your essay is pretty good. but this is my suggestion.
1. ... cafeteria such as the chicken pour, fruits salad, vegetables ...
you should add (comma) before "such as"
the chicken pour--> i have not know about that menu, sorry
because i think "pour" as verb, so it is not suitable
For example, the schools can provide the healthy meals as menu of the school's cafeteria, such as the chicken, fruits salad, vegetables, and egg rolls. and than the other healthy drinks, such as milk, or yoghurt rather than supplies the flavor snacks or the sugary drinks.
2. ... schools should be against the un-healthcareunhealthy behavior of the child.
you can change child with the other words with same meaning
child---> collocation [toddler/children/youngster]
i hope it will be useful. good luck
... of unhealthy lifestyle hashave been faced the child life.
... most common problems of the kindergarten or the childof the children in early age period.
However, some of the childthe children usually eat some ...
As example, the women as being the ...
For example, the schools can providesprovide the healthy meals......
(to avoid repetitive words you can replace for example / for instance)
... keep eating or take a mealsmeals that hashave been fallen on the ground.
So, the main duty forof parents and the schools are (...) of hand-wash before taketakinga meals or after play.
There is an unclear paragraph, you did not make a conclusion for your essay. conclusion is the important part and will boost your writing
