Ielts task 2: parents encourage their children to be involved in group activities rather than alone

I would like an opinion of the quality of the essay:

engaging kids in organized group activities

People are always looking at improving their children abilities and having the best in their lives. While some people think that it is essential for children to invest time on their own, I tend to agree with the argument that parents support their children to be involved in arranged group activities in their spare time.

I would argue that children should learn how to spend time on their own in their free time is wrong. This is because children lack knowledge on how to manage their time. They would think that videos games, for example, are only the way to pass the time, which some parents have the same thought. This is not right also that spending time alone can isolate the child from activities happens around and increasing the feeling of being alone. The result of this is transforming to introvert personalities that have consequences of not joining some jobs in future such as marketing.

On the other hand, I support the argument that parents encourage their children to engage in arranged activities that has many teens. The reason for this is that organized activities reinforce teamwork, which can be an important skill in the child's future. In addition, organized activities have an explorer that regularly looks for new talents that would be a serious matter for parents that their child can get a scholarship. For example, football is one of the means to learn how a goal is an effort of the whole team from the goalkeeper to striker which also important because explorers are always looking for talented players in younger ages. Therefore, football and other arranged group activities in the development of the child.

In conclusion, although some people think that their children should learn to occupy themselves on their own, I believe engaging them in organized group activities in their spare time is better because it is an important aspect of the child development and turns away the feeling of isolation that can cause problems in the child's future.

The structure is clear and well-organised, but, "I would argue that children ..." has a grammar mistake. "This is not right also that spending ..." this sentence has wrong grammar again. My advice is that u can use Grammarly to check your grammar mistake.