Okkkkkkkk... first , you should have a meaningful topic for your essay to get others attracted to it. So, provide such topic in the subject space when you open a new thread. Now, let's look at your essay;
Pahan has given his suggestion for your introduction and I hope you pay attention to them. They are very valid points.
To begin with, getting a part-time job can foster outa sense of independence and enhance our monetary value.finances
.... monetary means relating to money or currency, but it is a more technical term that is used to talk about a bit more serious things.
Children are too young to undertand the hardnessdifficulty inof earning money, especially for childrenthose who comes come from a afflluentaffluent families,family.
They live in an innovative life without money consideration ,
.... this sentence is pretty confusing. Try to construct short and simple sentences, one sentence for one idea.