Here is the full topic question:
Parents often give children everything they ask for and do what they like. Is it good for children? What are the consequences when they grow up?
permissive parents and demanding kids
Nowadays, some of the children have been easily indulged by permissive parents who tend to entirely accommodate children's preferences. From my perspective, this has a detrimental impact on both childhood and later adulthood of those children.
An indulgence from parents has negatively influenced kids, especially, regarding aspects of personality. Due to the way children almost obtained everything in an effortless way, they may have a bad attitude toward what they had. This disrespectful reaction, for example, would result in losing their belongings more regularly and squandering their chances to acquire real-life experiences. Moreover, children who grew from a permissive upbringing would have become self-centred individuals. Thus, it would be hard for them to integrate themselves with others in public communication. Finally, if they can not adapt to a new social environment, they can be isolated from the community.
For a different number of reasons, these kids would have been being prone to failure in their later adulthood. Because they totally relied on parents' accommodation with not only physical but also emotional state, they would lack senses of independence. Later in life, this would interfere in their ability to deal with life problems and even be lured in social traps, like criminals, drugs, etc. Furthermore, these children were unlikely fostering motivation which leads them to successfully pursuit of life goals by themselves. If they did not advance in their own career and contribute their effort to country development, somehow they may be burdensome.
In conclusion, a permissive upbringing method from parents is not good for children to grow. This way can also have a variety of drawbacks forming a bad generation in the future.
p/s: I'm looking forward to hearing from your responses. Thank you :D
Due to the way children almost obtained ...
If I were you, I would use simple present instead of past since we are talking about a phenomena rather than a past event.
Because they totally relied on parents' ...
Starting a sentence with a conjunction will sound weird to me and AFAIK it is not recommended. Using the second clause is better IMHO. Again, I question the use of past tense here.
Later in life, this would interfere
in their ability ... and this or they can even be lured in into social traps, like such as criminals, and drugs , etc.
Furthermore, these children were ...
Again, past tense.
way can also have ... Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,767 3803
Tran, your opening paraphrase was almost completely correct. You did well by paraphrasing the topic for discussion. You also managed to respond to the question if you think that submissive parents are good for children. However, you were not able to present the discussion reasons for the consequences as the children grow up. If you had mentioned at least one consequence as a direct response to the question, the first paragraph paraphrase would have been almost perfect and could have boosted your TA score to a higher scoring consideration.
The second paragraph offers a completely developed response for your topic sentence. However, you presented a secondary topic at the very end, presenting only the discussion topic, but not really developing the reason through explanation and examples. So rather than having a strong secondary paragraph or reasoning paragraph, you ended up with a partially developed discussion paragraph. Next time, it will be better to use only one topic per paragraph. You can do that because there is a maximum 3 paragraph allowance for the reasoning paragraphs. Therefore, you can fully utilize your GRA plus C&C scores if you go the one topic per paragraph route.
Don't use connecting words such as "Because" to start the sentence. The term is used to connect another idea with the previous sentence in most instances so it can only be used in the middle of a sentence. Try not to use "etc" as well because that somehow reduces the academic integrity of your presentation. Try to present all information using commas and close with a period to give a solid explanation instead of saying "and so on and so forth" which is what "etc." means.
So far, I can see your potential to create academically compliant essays. You have the ability to use English words in a manner that helps you express yourself clearly to the reader. While you should work on becoming more fluent in English, your writing still comes across an understandable and well presented so that is a plus for you and a good foundation for your future practice tests.