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'Our parents and grandparents may be obstacles to the new world order' - [IELTS]


anar_ 2 / 3  
Nov 16, 2012   #1
theme: "People are living longer than ever before. At the same time the young population is declining while the number of old people is rising. Will this development be a benefit for society? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having more old people in the country?"

In our days there is seen a tragedical trend with declining of young population, meanwhile the number of older people is going up. Some people wonder if it will be a benefit for our society. So do I, and lower I'm about to explain my ideas.

On the one hand, large number of senior generation means that medecine is developing day by day. More medicals are being invented, more people's lives are being saved. Rate of people dying because of deadly illnesses is decreasing , and it has, of course, only positive effects on our society.

On the other hand , decreasing of young people's number is very harmful for our community. Because of boundless attitudes of youngs to their lives {IS IT RIGHT?} , more and more of them die in accidents or because of taking drugs. But young population today is old generation tomorrow, so it's possible to predict {i couldn't do it with other words!} that in near future populace of our globe will be less than today (or is it more effective use word "now"?) Having less population may decrease the level of our economy, which is very sensitive to any changes, happening in our world. It's also vital to note that decreasing of economy's level may make it harder to live by growing of costs and decreasing of salaries...

From my point of view, the main advantage of having more old people is that youngers can learn on mistakes of their predecessors and try to make the world better than it was before. But it comes as an acute problem to understand whether youngs would do it or not. Concerning disatvantages , excluding the possible problem of economy that I've explained higher (before?), I'd mention that elders may be obstacles of developing new, modern culture which, in turn, is step to the new world order.

Summing it up, I want to say that this trend has goods , which are the same as bad sides.

/* I absolutely don't like this essay. What can I change in it? When I read it , I feel like something is wrong in it, I don't mean grammatical errors ! */
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Nov 16, 2012   #2
I think the main problem of this essay is that you did not concentrate on what the topic asked you. In the body you should write one paragraph about the problems arisen from an increase in average age of people, one paragraph about its advantages. Write more than one advantage or disadvantage. Use more examples for conveying your ideas.

I think you should pay more attention to what the topic asked you.

In our daysthe contemporary age we arethere is seenseeing a tragic trend with the declinening of young population, meanwhile the number of older people is going up. Some people wonder if it will be a benefit for our society. So do I, and lower I'm about to explain my ideasHowever, there is still this question that "is the positive aspects of this fact outweigh its downsides?"(I changed the last part of the introduction because in this type of topic you should mention your opinion in conclusion or as a separate paragraph in the body. In addition, the essay is going to answer this question. Therefor, if you write a question like this at the end of the introduction you can connect the introduction to the body more easily. .

On the one hand, a large number of senior generation means that medicine is developing day by day (what is the relationship between "medicine" and "old population"???) . More medicals are being invented, more people's lives are being saved. Rate of people dying because of deadly illnesses is decreasing , and it has, of course, only positive effects on our society (This is an advantage arisen from an advancement in medical industries not an increase in the number of old people in the society. Revise this paragraph) .

On the other hand , decreasing ofa decrease/reduction in the young people's number is very harmful for our community. Because of boundless attitudes of young ("young" is a plural word and you should not use "s") to their lives {IS IT RIGHT?} (I don't think it is. What did you try to say.) , more and more of them die in accidents or because of taking drugs (you do not need to write about the reasons why the number of young people is decreasing, you should just focus on the advantage and disadvantages of the upward trend with old population) . But young population today is old generation tomorrow, so it's possible to predict {i couldn't do it with other words!} that in near future populace of our globe will be less than today (or is it more effective use word "now"?) Having less population may decreasenegatively impact the level of our economy, which is very sensitive to any changes happening in ourthe world (How may it negatively affect the economy? Support whatyou claim) . It's (do not use contractions in writing) also vital to note that decreasing ofthe consequences of economic setbacks, such as high rate of inflation, and reduction in the amount of salaries, create hard living conditions.economy's level may make it harder to live by growing of costs and decreasing of salaries...

(It would be better to talk more about the disadvantages, if you believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. You should convince the reader that positive aspects of the issue are less than the negative ones. Support your ideas by using examples, statistics, quotations, etc. You should make the supporting statements more believable and more persuasive.)

From my point of view, the main advantage of having more old people is that youngerspeople can learn onfrom the mistakes of their predecessors and try to make the world a better place for livingthan it was before . But it comes as an acute problem to understand whether young would do it or not. Concerning disad vantages , excluding the possible problem of economy that I've explained higherabove (before?), I'd mention that elders may be the obstacles toofdeveloping new, modern culturedevelopment and progress which, in turn, is step to the new world order (How?? Elaborate on it, it is not clear) .

Hope you find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad
manjit809 5 / 14 2  
Nov 16, 2012   #3
Hi ah_zafari !!!

Please have a look at my recent essay please...:)

Really need some final advice...


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