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TOEFL; Parents are our important teachers during children's life


aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 27, 2013   #1
I need ur help!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
parents are more involved in their children's education than the parents in the past.

Parents are our important teachers during children's life. Not only teaching , they are ones who love us most in the world, so they always pay much attention on any apectes of our life when children are growing up.Nowadays , parents are increasingly invovled in our education compared with in the past. Some states that parents should leave a comparatively free space to their children to study, whereas others refute it. As far as I concerned, parents are indeedly more focus on their children's education.

To begin with, the fierce competition. In the past, society is not as advanced as today's, people can not get good educatin .Consequently, theyhave a lot of other things to do apart from studying for example help their parents to farm and cook , and parents won't invovled their study.However, with the rapid development of technology and science, a swarm of talents and elits continuously emerge.Under this pressure condition, parents feel a strong sense of pressure so that they will pay much attention to their children's education, hoping their kids would study harder , graduate with a better degree and then get a satisfied job.Besides the compulsory circumstences, they will take their children to learn art, music , sport and so on. Becuse they want their children to have competitiveness among other graduates in the future.

In addition, there are much more temptations than in the past, which would distract children from study. Particularly, in big , morden cities, loads of entertainments are established, which is a huge tempt for children. Beacuse lacked of self-control, some children would addicted to these entertainments, for instances, palying computer or doing shopping everyday, which would lead to bad performance in their study.Accordingly, parents act as a supervisor to prompt their children to study.Nevertheless, in the past, there are few things attractive, so parents did not focus more on their children's education.

In my opinion,it's no doubt that more and more attention are paid to children's education. Futhermore, all of these fatcs owing to parents's unselfish love to their children.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 27, 2013   #2
Hi,
First, I have to request you to have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. It helps you too to earn more feedbacks.

Parents are our important teachers during children's life.

.... I wish you came up with a a more catchy line, which is your hook to grab the reader's attention towards your essay.

Not only teaching , they arethe ones who love us most in the world,

so they always pay much attention on any apectes all aspects of our life when children are growing up.

Nowadays , parents are increasingly invovledinvolved in our education compared with in the past.

Nowadays, parents are increasingly involved in their children's education in contrast to those in the past.
OP aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 27, 2013   #3
okay, thank u dumi
How about my strcture of this essay? : )
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 27, 2013   #4
You are improving with it a lot :)

In the past, society is not as advanced as today's, people can not get good educatin .Consequently, theyhave a lot of other things to do apart from studying for example help their parents to farm and cook , and parents won't invovled their study.However, with the rapid development of technology and science, a swarm of talents and elits continuously emerge.Under this pressure condition, parents feel a strong sense of pressure sothat they will pay much attention to their children's education, hoping their kids would study harder , graduate with a better degree and then get a satisfied job.Besides the compulsory circumstences, they will take their children to learn art, music , sport and so on. Becuse they want their children to have competitiveness among other graduates in the future.[/quote]

This body para follows the structure. However, I wish you shortened it a bit more because you need to be mindful about the time factor too. Avoid repetition.

To begin with, the fierce competition

To begin with, the world today is to a fierce competition almost in everything compared to the eras before.


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