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Parents need to learn how to be skillful in looking after their children

TungfromVN 1 / 3  
Aug 3, 2018   #1

CARING FOR CHILDREN requires proper education

Caring for children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of this, all mothers and fathers should be required to take a course that prepares them to be good parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

My essay :
Nowadays, many people think that all the parents need to learn how to be skillful in looking after their children by going to a class. While i agree with people idea, i still argue that some parents do not have to take a course.

On the one hand, learning how to be professional in caring kids by going to a class has some indisputable benefits. The reason is because some course have a good reputation so parents do not have to afraid of going to a "fake",unqualified class. Secondly, because of their famousity, they hardly deceive the parents and they will teach their best way to enhance their experience. Take my mom as an example. She is a shining example for other mother now because of going to a course which have great status. As a result, her son becomes a model citizen and ready to develop his country :). ( it bullsh :) )

On the other hand, taking courses is not the smart choice for some parents. In fact, there are some parents that have a talent in teaching their children or from their grandparents. Therefore, if they have to learn more about those information, it is really time,money-consuming for the parents. Consequently, they can not do other works like making money or doing chores just because of going class. Thus, if they do not have enough budget, they hardly to buy many facilities for babies like milk,toys, or even baby carriage.

In conclusion, going to a class has some advantages for the parents. However, it is not suitable for all the parents who are not wealthy or having enough money to adapt buying stuff. ( Hope u guys like my essay, im new btw :) )

theblacktea 1 / 2 2  
Aug 3, 2018   #2
Hi Tung, here is my comment:
1. skillful
2. ... of their famousity => famous only
3. shining example for other mothers
4. a course which has
5. just because of going to class
6. they hardly to buy => I think you should rewrite it as: They can hardly buy...
7. to adapt to buying stuff (stuff is also informal in IETLS writing)

Overall, I think that you had some ideas but you didn't fully express and develop them enough, you also didn't use a wide range vocabluary and stuctures. Still, nice job.
OP TungfromVN 1 / 3  
Aug 3, 2018   #3
Can i ask u something ? Why it can not be their famousity, i mean after " their " have to be a noun right ?
And skillful too, what wrong with it ( hope u read my comment )
PaulthePhoenix 4 / 16  
Aug 3, 2018   #4
Hi Tung, it's nice to see you make the first attempt to post your essay here. In my opinion, however, it is not a well-written essay, i'm afraid.

1. Task response: You did not address the question fully: Do you agree or disagree? My advice is that in this type of essay. You can write I'm totally agree with the idea in the Introduction then the two following paragraphs below can be used to present the reasons for your support. This will help you think straight and avoid presenting a weak argument like in the first paragraph of the body.

2. Lexical resource: Try to widen your vocabulary a little bit more. There is no such word as "famousity", instead you can use reputation or renowned.

3. Cohesion: I can see you use some linking devices so it is the bright point of the essay.

4. Grammar: You mostly use simple sentences, please try to use complex sentence with relative clauses and combine vocabulary as well and you will be fine

For example, if I may, I will reproduce one of your arguments as below:

Despite its necessity, coercing young parents into a training course can impose more economic burdens in their shoulder. In a developing country like ours, some family can barely feed their hungry children. A course, therefore, no matter how useful it will be, is not feasible for them. Moreover, taking part in a mandatory training also take away their working or leisure time after work. This is counter-effective as they will enter the class with a tired mind and fatigued body making it difficult to absorb whatever taught in the class.

This is just my suggestion only. You can based on it to create a more well-developed essay.
Have fun studying!
smally01 9 / 34 14  
Aug 3, 2018   #5
Hi TungfromVN, hope that I can help

So I guess you are taking the balancing approach. It is something that I barely to handle so most of the time I will just stick with either side.

I guess maybe you can focus on telling reader how good it is to take the course, as from your paragraph it sounds to me that you put some irrelevant information (e.g. the reputation and famousity of the courses, fake courses, etc) in there. If the topic sentence of your 2nd paragraph is to tell reader the advantage(s) of taking course, it would be good to put some effort to support your argument (reasoning), and would be perfect together with some examples.

In the 3rd paragraph, I believe you would like to express:
1. it is waste of time and money to take course if one already know how to do it
2. if they do not have enough budget, they might unable to get enough facilities for the baby...

It seems one of the above would be the reason and one be the possible result, so if they can be re-arrange with better order it would make us (reader) easier to understand the correlation.
OP TungfromVN 1 / 3  
Aug 4, 2018   #6
Holy cow, thank you so much for helping me :V !

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