Obese children (IELTS Writing Task II)
(please help me with grammar mistakes, word choices and how many bands I get. Thanks.)
It is argued that there should have punishments issued for parents who let their kids gain too many weighs. This essay disagrees with this statement because children may inherit gene from their parents and parents have wrong belief that fat kids are stronger and healthier.
Children's body weigh are affected by their parents' old-fashioned concept. Weigh is a measurement to determine physical health; so if any children appear to be chubby, other adults will consider them to be healthier than thin ones. These kids are forced to eat more than necessary or fed too much high-fat food as a result. Most of these moms and dads think that normal-weight child is a consequence of lacking cares. A recent study found that 70% of parents who have obese children admitted that they have fattened their kids for having good health.
Genetic conditions are one of the most common causes of making the young generations supersized. When family members cannot escape from them, it is obvious and understandable that no matter how hard moms and dads are attempting to adjust their kids' daily intake, even to reduce a large amount of food consumption; their disappointing weight still remains unchanged. Exercising serves as an effective way to get rid of those excessive calories which makes no difference in this special family-gene circumstance. A recent research concluded that certain genetic traits run in family explaining why it takes longer to burn up calories.
In conclusion, parents should not take any sanctions as their children get obese. The reasons are that they possess genes which involve in body weighs and parent's misunderstanding of being weighty is healthier.
there should be
IIRC 'weight' in describing the state of being heavy is usually uncountable
any + singular
eat more than necessary overeat for having good health so that their children could be healthy/for fear that their children aren't healthy
calories which/that make no difference /can do nothing to change
There are just some few obvious grammar mistakes here. I'm sorry I can't do anything further :(
Plus, it'd be better to get some more idea than just to blame the genes only I suppose.
So some grammatical mistakes have been shown above so I won't repeat them again.
Ur way of developing ideas still causes some confuse to me. Maybe it is the lack of linking words and unsuitable words in some cases. Namely, it should be avoid them not
cannot escape , Exercising which serves as an effective way to get rid of those excessive calories which makes no difference in this special family-gene circumstance,....
Also, genetics is not the main cause of obesity in young generation. There are other factors such as diets, exercise regime, food, pampering children,..
In this essay, if you oppose the given statement, I recommend you should prove why parents who pamper their off-springs, which leads to their overweight should not be put in jail. You should prove that this action of parents is not deserved to be punished so severely. Instead, they should be given advice and re- educated about how to raise their kids in a proper way
I think the below is better:
It has been argued that
This essay disagrees -----I disagree
moms and dads ----parents
Also, you should be aware of this one grammar rule when you write an essay; subject and verb agreement.
Many international students, including me make mistakes to keep this rule when they do writing.
Keep up your good work!
I am not sure if I like the phrase " It is argued." I think "some people believe" or some people demand more punishment for .......Furthermore, I think ( I am not sure though) after " it is argued " you should cover some reason that supports your argument. For instance: it is argued that there should be some punishment for those parents who let their kids gain too many weights since they are responsible for what and how thier kid .......