Hi! I'm never really good with organization/flow/transitions/word choice/conciseness so can someone please comment about these? :( and I think some parts are kind of redundant too... but I'm not too sure. I tend to also use the same words often, any suggestions? Please guide me, I'm really a frustrated writer :(
We are given a max of 2-3 pages, double space TNR 12 so I really had to condense the experience I was reflecting on... I'm worried it sounds too condensed, what do you guys think? :( It was a long story and I had to cut it really short. and I already reached nearly the maximum length so I can't really add long parts unless I remove other stuff.
by the way... we were given guidelines that we're supposed to talk about a personal experience then analyze it and dig deep (was I able to? is my thesis statement or statement of truth clear too?). then the conclusion is supposed to be what I'll do with my new learning/how i'll act/ any changes. are these parts clear in my paper?
Parents Will Always Be Parents
I am sure many would laugh in disbelief when they find out that one of my biggest concerns in life is not the lack, but the immeasurable love that I receive from my parents. Their overprotectiveness is seen in many instances, such as the times they would bathe me in distilled water when I was a toddler. They would also wipe the buttons of the arcade machines with alcohol before I could play. They even didn't even allow me to learn how to ride a bike in the risk of scraping my skin, which they've protected since I was a baby. They were also very strict in allowing me to go out with friends because of the dangers of getting kidnapped. Protective and overbearing - I always thought that it would change once I grew older. Soon, I realized that I was wrong.
I came to this realization after going through the bumpy road of choosing my college and career. My parents and I had contrasting views with almost all the dreams and plans I had. Initially, I wanted to become a veterinarian, but I wasn't allowed because of the possibilities of getting bitten and scratched. Seeing that I wouldn't be supported, I moved on and became passionate with becoming a dietician. In the end, I wasn't permitted because of the low wages. I then told them that I could use nutrition as a pre-medical undergraduate degree and pursue medicine. They immediately didn't allow me because medicine is very demanding and it took too long to study. Soon, I fell in love with teaching and was eventually allowed just after they suggested that I open my own preschool to earn more revenue. As for my college, I've always wanted to study abroad. I studied really hard and earned high grades during high school to show them that I deserved to study where I wanted. In spite of this, I was again, not allowed due to safety reasons. Knowing that my parents were firm in their decision, I then decided to enroll at the state university. However, just a week before school started, my parents withdrew me because of fears due to stories about crimes happening in campus.I reluctantly enrolled to my current university, but I've tried my best to move on.
People who would go through situations similar to mine would usually rebel against their parents. As for me, I find it so hard to fight back, even if I really can't deny that I feel devastated every time my parents opposed my views, especially when they meddled with my college and career plans. Looking back, I believe it could be because of my character and how I'm grounded in my values.
After going through all the rough time with my parents, I gradually began to realize that with everything they do, they do for my betterment. This is why I choose to value my relationship with my parents more than even getting the things that I want. After all, what I want could also be not what I actually need. I realized that it would have been easier for my parents if they cared for me less and just allowed me to do what I wanted, but my parents just had to go the extra mile. Every parent's dream would be to have zero conflicts with their children as it would give them less stress in life, but my parents still choose to risk their relationship with me for my own sake. In the end, at least they can say that their risks were worth it because I've never been a victim of crime, that I've never had any vices and that I have been raised in good values.
In addition to molding our characters, our parents are given the important job to make sure that the our rights, as their children, are met. When we think about it, we have the right to eat, but then it's not stated that our parents have to give us nutritious and tasty food. We're given the right to education, but it's not specified that we have to study in the best schools. We're also given the right to own clothing, but it was never imposed that these clothes have to be in style or of high quality. For many parents, they do more than what's required without ever asking for anything in return.
Aside from noting that my parents sacrificed so much for me, I also came to see that they should never deserve any form of rebellious acts because they, themselves, gave up their own dreams just for me and my siblings. I remember my mother sharing that she has always wanted to have her own salon, but she didn't pursue this because she knew it wouldn't be able to provide enough financial support. It would also require her to spend a lot of time away from us, children. On the other hand, my father has always wanted to manage a hacienda. Because he never wanted to be separated from the rest of the family, doing so would have meant that our whole family had to a province. In the end, he opted not to because he wanted to send his children to the best schools. Because of these, I realized that I have no right to complain of not getting what I initially wanted.
Things in my life may have not have happened the way I hoped it would, but one thing is for sure. I can now definitely say that I would always be grateful for everything my parents have done for me. In addition, I'm confident that even if I'm older, there will always be these two people who would do anything for my welfare. With their overflowing love and care, I also hope to be as great as a parent to my future children. I will also try my best not to be resentful when things get rough between me and my parents. I used consider myself weak for not fighting back. However, I now realize that it really does take a strong, resilient and understanding person to move on and handle situations such as these, someone I wouldn't have been if not for my parents.
After going through all the rough time with my parents,I slowly came to realize that they're been just all doing this for me.
...I gradually began to realize that everything they do, they do for my betterment.My parents and I had contrasting views with almost all the dreams I had.
.... I feel you should not complicate your idea too much. This is my suggestion;
My parents and I had contrasting views in respect of everything I could imagine.I initially really wanted to become a veterinarian, but I wasn't allowed because of the possibilities of getting bitten and scratched.
I initially was very keen on becoming a veterinarian, but I had to give up this idea in order to avoid the bitter experiences arising out of probable disapproval from my parents.... I guess you better tell the reader about some convincing reasons that they would sure to reject your idea. It's not clear and there is big gap :(
One thing that stands out: Tense shifts. Most readers are sticklers for this, so make sure what you're describing is placed in its correct context:
Ex: "They love me so much that they also wiped the buttons of the arcade machines with alcohol before I could play"
Here, your tenses should be matching. If you're describing a past event, then "loved" would be an appropriate term, unless you said something like "They love me so much that when I was a child they would..." yadda yadda yadda.
The essential story behind your essay is nice, but I would highly recommend some technical revision and editing. Read the entirety of the essay aloud to yourself (Or better yet, get someone else to read it aloud to you), and determine which parts seem grammatically correct.
And with regards to your boldfaced type question of whether or not your language was too informal, I would say that it was. It's important not to have stuffy language, but don't be too casual either.
