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Both parents should have the same impact on raising their own children - IELTS


Daelen 1 / 1  
Dec 7, 2014   #1
Hello ! I would be really greatful if you could read my essay and how much marks should i get ? And this is my first ielts essay so it will be nice to receive some some valuable tips :) !

Topic:"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


It is suggested that paternity should be as eguivalently important as maternity. Although there is a stereotype that women have to raise children whereas men ought to support family by earning money , I strongly believed that both fathers and mothers should to have impact on raising their own children no matter what are their roles in life.

One of the reasons why the children should be brought up by both parents egually is due to the fact it can has a positive influence on our kids. The recent studies show that children who are raised by both parents , are much more cheerful. Besides that , kids are not bothered by the question ' Why my father never spend time with me?'. Therefore , children become more aware that if they have a problem with their education or are a bit bored, they can rely on mother and father.

It is certainly true, that there are a range of topics such as like quarrels with schoolmates , sport and entertainment , which children prefer telling father about. To be more precise, father have better ideas how to awaken the soul of the child athlete or deal with tension between friends. For instance , my cousin was bullied at school and he was more willing to tell his father about it instead of complaining to his mother.

Another reason for that is in the era of modern society, there is a tendency that the number of women having a well-paid job is still increasing. In result , some wives have more profitable career prospects than their husbands. So , fathers are forced to take over household chores and start bringing the children up.

In conclusion , it proves that despite the stereotypes , father are equally responsible for upbringing of their children.

thanhtam_tma 2 / 3  
Dec 7, 2014   #2
Firstly, I want to emphasize some mistakes:
eguivalently --> equivalently
should to have --> should have
egually --> equally
a positive influence on our kids --> a positive influence on kids.
It is certainly true, that --> no comma before ''that" : It is certainly true that
In result --> As a result

About the ideas and structure, I think they are quite good.
OP Daelen 1 / 1  
Dec 7, 2014   #3
Thank you very much. I see writing on keyboard is my weak point haha.
fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Dec 8, 2014   #4
Hi patrick Jarguz,
however Tam Le has been corrected your essay in relation to missed spelling, allow me to correct it again with the specific spots.

MISSED SPELLING CORRECTION

eguivalently

it should be = equivalently

egually

it should be = equally

GRAMMATICAL ERROR CORRECTION

mothers should to have impact on

modal verbs have no infinitive or -ing form

so that, the sentence should be = mother should have impact on

.... is due to the fact it can has a positive influence on our kids...

modal verbs are not usually followed by "s" the third person singular.
you probably can open your grammar book about auxiliary verb agreement , or if you do not mind I will copy the formula from another blog for you.

so that, the sentence should be = ...is due to the fact it can have a positive influence on our kids....

money , I strongly

parents , are

Besides that , kids

Therefore , children

schoolmates , sport and entertainment , which

For instance , my cousin

In result , some

In conclusion , it proves that despite the stereotypes , father are equally

put a coma appropriately. it means you should put a space after a coma, you are not allowed to put a space before a coma.

so that, it should be =
money, I strongly believe
parents, are
Besides that, kids
Therefore, children
schoolmates, sport and entertainment, which
For instance, my cousin
In result, some
In conclusion, it proves that despite the stereotypes, father are equally


OTHER COMMENTS=
1.) your conclusion is quite short, I am afraid you cannot achieve score 6.5 or higher
2.) to get higher score I firmly believe that we should position ourselves as a writer (a third person)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY! ;)


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