this is really short
is that okay?
and it's also a super rough draft
tell me if it sucks :]
If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances
My parents' shouting matches are always shaking up my house. Sometimes, I could not even finish my homework. My focus was always shattered by, "You keep spending but won't pay off any debts" and "I work the money, I can do whatever I want". I began turning into a very angry child and had a short temper at school. Little Gabby would often think to herself, why do my parents argue? Is it somehow my fault? I am so worthless; what can I do if I cannot even stop my parents from arguing? The only other thing I can remember about my childhood is just wanting to escape. I found refuge in volunteering and giving to my community became a crucial part of my life. I first used volunteering as a legitimate reason to be out of my house but found it to be a fun experience. Two institutions, Parkway Christian Church and the Broward County Southwest Regional Library, became my homes away from home. I loved the environments they created and in turn gave a helping hand towards achieving their goals. In helping others, I was able to help myself overcome the anger my parents released into my home atmosphere. Those that I helped saw me as an overall good kid that always gave aid with a huge grin on her face, and I have actually begun to believe it myself.
Honestly speaking, I didn't like the essay very much. What is the word limit? What I didn't like was the fact that you spent your whole essay telling and you barely showed anything. What you basically did was mention that your dad said this your mom said this and Gaby did this, but I want to know so much more. I want you to start off with one of the matches and write about that and include you EMOTIONS (very big aspect). Personalize the essay. Even though the readers don't know you, they want to be able to hear your voice, and for me, it is very difficult as of now. The story you are telling is very touching, and I believe it makes a great topic, but the way you explained it hurts the obstacle.
For volunteering, instead of listing, why don't you show. Like volunteering at a hospital...the kids came in, wondering what actions led them there, and it was my reponsibility to calm them down. Do you sort of see the difference?
Also, make each sentence count. Some of your are just place fillers. Everything should be important. I recommend that after redrafting, you read through it paragraph by paragraph. Eliminate any that are useless to the story, and then go sentence by sentence, word by word. Make sure each word is exactly what you want it to be.
Remember, be yourself in the essay though. Don't be somebody they want you to be. If they don't accept you that school isn't right for you because you won't be able to be yourself.
Please post your redraft. I look forward to reading it. I hope this helps. Let me know if you need anything else.
Hello, I thin it might be better to mention the fighting briefly, and then talk about the home away from home. It will intrigue the reader if you start with a sentence about their fighting, but cut out the dialogue:
My parents' shouting matches were always shaking up my house during my youth . Sometimes, I could not even finish my homework.
"You keep spending but won't pay off any debts" and "I work the money, I can do whatever I want". I began turning into a very angry child and had a short temper at school. The little child that was me would often think to herself, why do my parents argue? Is it somehow my fault? I am so worthless; What can I do if I cannot even stop my parents from arguing? The only other thing I can remember about my childhood is just wanting to escape. I found refuge...