yHowever, it is far more better if you can help me modify the essay to let me understand your requirement, since it is hard to understand.
That is the very reason why we include sample essays. Read them carefully and try to figure out the features we have mentioned in the guidelines. Let's take your introduction;
Money in the modern
citysociety is an absolutely essential thing for us to live
... As per the approach provided by dumi for the intro, this line should be your hook. This is a good idea for a hook, but you have made a small error there by using the word "city" instead of "society".
We exchange different things such as staples by using it. . There are many books teaching us how to earn more money or how to make an investment. But the audience are mainly adults, far less focusing on children.
IsAre there any needs letting children know more about the wise use of money and teach them the balanced values towards money as soon as possible.
Here what you've got to do is to paraphrase your prompt (which you should have included in the post) ... I don't say that you have not attempted to present the issue, but I feel you've gone a little out of topic as per the requirement of the intro and also you have less alignment with the topic (the approach we give is not only to score your marks, but to help you manage time effectively as well) This is what I would suggest;Therefore some people view that it is necessary to teach children about handling money from a young age.
Let's look at your thesis statement;
As for me, I agree that the children should be taught how to use money by the teachers and the parents.
There are several reasons supporting my view.
... the latter part is not necessary as it is not adding any value for your essay. You only waste your time.
There are lots of people who have followed the approach we have suggested and got good scores. However, it is up to you to examine them carefully and develop your own approach.