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Some parents are unwilling to let their children work during their studies, better focus on school


IELTS123 1 / -  
Jul 13, 2018   #1
Some parents do not want their children to work part time while in school so that they can concentrate on their studies. Other parents believe their kids should learn to manage study and work duties as this teaches them certain skills they cannot learn at school and therefore better prepares them for the real world

Discuss adv and dis of both views

Part time job during study or not



Some parents are unwilling to let their children work during their studies saying the school should be their sole focus, while others encourage their children to balance their studies with work. Both perspectives have their merits and drawback as this essay will demonstrate.

Having a job is beneficial for developing some useful tools such as time management, networking and multitasking skills which are essential for one's career , regardless of the occupational goals. In this way , children learn to balamce their studies and work schedules and will be able to manage career and home live in the future as a result. Take for example working mothers, they do their tasks professionally and still have time to bring up children.

Conversely, focused students are likely to achieve better academic results, thereby securing admission to higher-tier schools. It is because abilities to focus on one thing at time will reflect the ability to complete the task at a higher level of proficiency. Some argued tgat the modern workplaces now demand soft skills, where these children might come up short , unlike their peers who may develop these skills through their interaction with a great variety of people.Yet, as career become increasing specialized, the ability to hone particular skills may ultimately trump sociability.

With the above in mind, it is clear both approaches have positive and negative aspects. While the part time workers may gain multitasking skills, the academic students benefit from a better focus on their task.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jul 14, 2018   #2
Su, the reference point in your essay is off. You need make various references within the paragraphs to the parental line of reasoning. That is because each reason must come from the parents pov. Your current presentation doesn't make that clear. The simple reference to parents reminds the reader about who is speaking or being discussed throughout the essay.

Do your best to avoid mere restatements of the prompt reasoning as you do in your current presentation. Boost the restatement with additional information that supports the pov being discussed. While you do a good job of restating the reasons provided, you always stop short of giving a full explanation based on the sample you provided. A sample must always be explained. Limit your paraphrase to 2 sentences, using the remaining 3 sentence allotment to better explain the meaning of the sample.

Your concluding paragraph deviates from the prompt. There is no mention of the parental point of view, discussion reasons presented, and a proper closing sentence. These would help to increase your TA score as you better showcase your English comprehension skills based on your given discussion.

In relation to this, your opening paragraph has a run on sentence in the opening presentation. Split the sentence with a period instead of a comma. 3 clear sentences are better scored than a single run on sentence in terms of gra scoring.

While your work was good and shows a degree of high scoring potential. There is still room for improvement based on small errors and omissions in your work presentation.


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