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Parents vital role in controlling their children attitude about food preferences and lifestyles


tantadedanaan 6 / 11 11  
Feb 20, 2015   #1
Hi there!

I hope you can give me some helpful advice to improve my writing skills. Thank you all in advance.

Questions:
The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the possible causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution.

Essay:
Obesity has been considered now as one of the major component of many health related issues among minors. The proportion of obese children have seen to increased by approximately 20% in the previous decade. I will discuss the possible causes and consequences of this trend and offer recommendations to solve this problem.

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EF_Alyssa - / 8 9  
Feb 20, 2015   #2
Looks like a good essay! I've commented below on a few grammar errors, and provided direction to help you correct them.

The proportion of obese children have seen to increased

You can simplify this sentence and fix the tense by saying: "obese children has increased".

, one of this is unbalanced diet.

This has a comma splice, which means you should either strengthen the conjunction (", and one") or have it as its own sentence. You might also want to change "this" to "them".

meals which is more than what they actually needed and most of the time unhealthy

You could clarify this sentence with a little tweaking, like, "more meals than they actually need, many of which are unhealthy".

One of the major drawbacks of this problem is topics concerning the child well-being.

You could simply this sentence by saying, "One of the major drawbacks of this problem is children's well-being."

There cholesterol

Should be "their" cholesterol.

serious disease

Should be plural - "diseases".

sons or daughters attitude

Don't forget apostrophes - "sons' or daughters' attitude".

where they like a couch potato

You can clarify this sentence by removing "where they" - "like a couch potato"

should be manage seriously

This should be in past tense, so "should be managed seriously"

Good luck editing! You're nearly there.
EF_Jasmine - / 68 39  
Feb 20, 2015   #3
Obesity is nowconsidered( has been and now are two different words that describe time, I would suggest sticking to one form of time) to be one of the major component of many health related issues among minors. The proportion of obese children have seen to has increased by to approximately 20% in the previous decade. I will discuss the possible causes and consequences of this trend and offer recommendations to solve this problem. ( Great opening and closing, I would add one more sentence in here about obesity.)

There are several factors that contribute to children's weight gain, one of this ( these) is (an) unbalanced diet. Nowadays, young individuals tend to eat meals which is more than what they actually needed(need) and most of the time. ( Which is) unhealthy. Furthermore, some children become lazy and want to sit the whole day in front of their television or computer rather than to do outdoor activities to burn their accumulated calories. <( This sentence is good, but it is expressing your opinion, you might want to insert a statistic) One good example of that is my own nephew. He My nephew is only three years of age but his body weight is equivalent to a six years ( year) old child. Thus, overweight kids are the product of sedentary lifestyles and poor eating habit. ( This paragraph is good, I like how you explain your personal experience, but you might want to add a statistic, or percentage here to prove your argument.)

One of the major drawbacks of this problem is ( the topic) topics concerning the child's well-being. They Children are more prone to develop different kinds of illnesses compared to other kids with normal weight. There Their cholesterol level ( who? the children who are obese?) has elevated because of the abundant fats in their body which make them (who is them?) at risk to develop serious disease like juvenile diabetes later in life. Moreover, some overweight children also develop low self-esteem due to their appearance, which may affects( affect) how they socialize and interact to with others.

(Great way of showing how obese children can be affected, but make sure you describe who in detail.)

Nevertheless, parents should play a vital role in controlling their sons or daughters attitude about food preferences and lifestyles. They must teach them (their children) about the importance and benefits of routine exercise and eating nutritious meals. To add more, (the) government should also allocates (allocate) fund ( funding) for projects that will address this topic obesity. For instance, providing budgets to restore or develop parks and sport facilities to encourage the youngsters to play outside instead of staying at home where they ( can become) like a couch potato.

Overall, the above dilemma must not ( be) taken for granted and should be manage ( managed) seriously because of due to the alarming aftermath that it will cause to (our) children's life. ( Add a couple more sentences here on how it should be managed to make you point stronger)

Great start! I like the topic you have chosen. In the introduction, you mention that you will explain the causes and consequences and recommendations of childhood obesity. Make sure you point this out to your reader in every paragraph. ( You can even place," this is a consequence", or "this is a cause" in your paragraphs.) You have a great topic! I hope more people can write about this issue.


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