Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

Parents often wonder whether they ought to let their children spend time on TV, video and PC games


maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Feb 2, 2017   #1
Hi! I am practising on ielts and i got this prompt
The prompt says: Some people thinks children's spending time on Tv, video and games is good , while others think it is bad .Discuss both view and give your own opinion

Children in front of a glowing screen



Parents often wonder whether they ought to let their children spend time on TV, video and PC games or not. Many people suppose that spending their time on games can be a good way, whereas others believe the opposite is much better .In my opinion, I believe that TV, video and PC games have pros and cons

On the one hand, there are various reasons why people believe that children's spending time on TV, video and PC games can be a good way. Firstly, children are able to promote their automatic reflex. According to research, solving the circumstances in games require ones accuracy, keen intelligence and concentration. This may bring about spectacular chance to raise the public's awareness of skill for when they play outdoor activities or find the solution for drawback, which requires one's maturity. Secondly, TV, video and games can be both entertaining and educational. Essentially, children are curious, so they really want to explore everything around them even the world. Watching TV, video are beneficial to get more knowledge and information. It is common sense that having more knowledge can prove one's maturity.

On the other hand, some people argue that children should not spend their time on TV, video, PC games. Firstly, Children can be addicted to those digital things. Using those technological invention, one will feel comfortable because it always gives one high score or romantic, delighted detail. Stemming from that, one always is obsessed with them and gives priority to using them and isolate from society. That one are using those thing has caused health issue much higher especially obesity. If one watches TV, video and plays games all day without exercise, one will be fat, maybe obesity. In fact, it has a bad impact on children such as their habit, confidence. They must have abstinence which is difficult because they ate a lot. They will feel unconfident about their body therefore they do not want to communicate with anybody

To conclude, I think that TV, video and games have advantage and disadvantage. Therefore, parents should let their children play if homework and chores are done before playing

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 2, 2017   #2
To, you have written a pretty good discussion of the two points of view in this essay. However, you do not accurately develop your personal opinion as required by the essay. The personal opinion should have been the 4th paragraph of this essay in order to allow you to present all of the supporting data related to your personal opinion. Don't forget that the IELTS paragraph requirement has a maximum of 5 paragraphs. You definitely had the space to better develop your personal opinion in relation to the side of the argument that you support. In the current form of your essay, you are missing an important aspect of the discussion so your conclusion is terribly weak. Your overall score would have to be around a 4 due to the lack of personal opinion development.
OP maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Feb 2, 2017   #3
@Holt
In this essay, I think both view has advantage and disavantage .So, In this essay ,Do you think what and how to develope my idea?Can you give me example
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 2, 2017   #4
It would be best if you can pick only one side to discuss as your opinion on the essay because that shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirement and, that is the usual response expected by the examiner as well. That is because this is not a comparison essay that asks you to compare and contrast both sides of an issue. However, if you wish to discuss both sides, you will need to pick only 1 strong argument in support of each position. Both of which you should present in a single paragraph of at least 3 sentences to justify your opinion. Here is what I suggest, write your opinion on the manner I describe here. I'll read it and tell you if you did it properly or not. Then I'll show you an example of how to write the paragraph in a better manner. I think you will learn better that way.
OP maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Feb 2, 2017   #5
@Holt
I think I should write my whole essay again .I hope you can score me
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 2, 2017   #6
You were not able to discuss both points of view in your essay prior to giving your opinion. Always remember to deliver the required elements of the essay in order to score better in the Task Accuracy portion. That means you have to present the opposing side first, the side that you support next, then your opinion in support of the previous paragraph. That way the 3 discussion elements of the prompt at accurately represented in your essay. Make sure that you always refer back to the prompt requirements prior to your submitting your essay for a score. If you miss out on a single scoring criteria, you risk failing the whole test because your overall score will be dragged down by the missing or mistakenly represented portions. In this case, you missed out on a whole discussion regarding why children should be allowed to spend time watching TV and other things because you went directly to your personal opinion before discussing the general supportive opinion of that side of the discussion.
OP maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Feb 2, 2017   #7
@Holt
I am sorry but i do not really understand what you really want to say. Can you give me an example or summary please?
Because i think I did say why chidren should be allowed watching TV
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 2, 2017   #8
You have the format of the essay all wrong in your second version. There is a particular discussion format that must be followed at all times for a discussion comparison and personal opinion essay. If you can memorize the format, it will be easier for you to write the succeeding essays that require a 2 point of view and one personal opinion discussion. The format is really easy to remember. Just write it in this manner:

Par. 1: Summary overview and presentation of your opinion.
Par. 2: First point of view discussion with supporting information
Par. 3: Second point of view with supporting information
Par. 4: Your personal opinion that supports the point of view and information presented in paragraph 3.
Par. 5: Conclusion which is comprised of a prompt restatement, 2 points of view, repetition of your personal statement.

There are always 5 paragraphs in any given essay for IELTS. The above discussion outline is applicable to the "Discuss both views and give your opinion" prompt instruction. Remember the format. This will make it easier for you to write this essay type in the future.
bagusetyawan 8 / 27 7  
Feb 2, 2017   #9
If you notice the question.
Discuss both view and give your own opinion

You should provide your own opinion about this problem.
Also, I think it is alright if you make a clear stand position in your first paragraph and try to paraphrase/answer the question directly, not the background facts.

If I were you, I would try something like this in my first paragraph.

There is a debatable issue in society regarding with children's behaviour of spending leisure time on TV, video, and games. While I realize it has some benefits, but personally I believe it has more drawbacks if we take an account for them in long-term perspective.

Note: it just my own opinion, could be wrong.


Home / Writing Feedback / Parents often wonder whether they ought to let their children spend time on TV, video and PC games