My teacher said there is something missing to my essay and that there where some grammar and punctuation errors.
the park life
The park is place we like to go when we want to relax. The park is an obvious place of escaping the constraints of the life around us. People are walking around the trail, children playing on the playground, and the place generally seems to be at a more relaxed place in the park. My visit to the park was one that I thought would reveal a certain level of peace. It did.
When I first arrived at the park, it was in the evening time and the air had a nice breeze going that sides chills up and down your body, but not enough to put a jacket on. The breeze rustled the leaves on the tree. The sun was going down very slowly, but the rays of the sun danced on my skin. It smelled of freshly cut grass, because the city lawn maintenance people just finished doing the yard work. I found my way to a table in the shade where I could observe my surroundings. Once you drown out the sound of the leaves rustling in the breeze, the sound of children playing hit your ears. On the other side of the park, several children were laughing and playing on the playground. There were children swinging on the swing talking and laughing with each other. Next to the swing at the bottom of a jungle gym a mother waits for her child to slide to the bottom. Watching the children laugh and playing made me fill relaxed. At the money bars a dad helping his daughter get across to the end. I was instantly reminded a time when I was that small and I wanted to be a big kid and go across the monkey bars, but I fell. My dad came to the rescue and picked me up and helped get across to the end. I could not help but to smile at the memory. Watching all the kids laugh and have fun made want to go back in time to when I was a kid too.
An older couple was walking along the trail that raped around the park. They were in jeans and a t-shirt and they were holding hands. A few feet in front of them a woman was speed walking. She had a sun advisor hat and carried a water bottle in her hands. In the background, I could hear a faint sound of the traffic from the busy street. This reminded me my mother because when she walks she wear some type of hat and she like to speed walk because she says walking is when you go for a Sunday walk or when you get older. This made me think is them me when I get older speed walking around a trial or holding hands with my husband as we take an evening stroll.
At the fields, there were soccer players practicing. You can hear the coach yelling drills at the players and when he blows his whistle you can hear from where I am at. Some of the teams set up portable goals so we one of the players kicks the ball you can hear the swish of the net. When you take a whiff of the air you can smell their sweaty bodies. It is like they haven't took showers in weeks. Off to the side you see cheerleaders practice cheer and dance. You can hear when their coach gets onto them for not being too loud, but they correct that I can hear them all the way across the field. That makes me remember when I was a cheerleader how our coach uses to get onto use for not being to loud, but I still loved it. Off to the end of the park there is some basketball courts. There are some teenagers playing pick me up game for fun. You can hear the dribble of the ball every time someone bonces it, but over the dribble of the ball you can hear the shouting and laughter of the players playing the game.
At the end of the week I try to go to the park to get the past weeks stress out of me and try to relax. When I go I like to take a book and site in shaded spot and read and watch the people go past. It is fun watching how different people interact with each other. How people treat other people when they pass by. That is why I like to go the park.
Generally speaking, the park is a place we like ... (Not a fact, just an opinion, Please refer "hedging for EAP"). It
The park is an obvious place ... (not naturally refer collaboration). While
... children are playing on (...) relaxed place one in the park. My visited park,abc,
was one that I thought would revealed my new horizontal a certain level of peace. It did. Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,570 3753
Mackenzie, I can see why your teacher told you that something was missing from the essay. It was highly descriptive in a visual way. However, an observation / descriptive essay needs more than just a visual representation. You need to engage all the 5 senses of a human body when you write these essays. The smell of the night time air, the feel of the setting sun on your skin, the people having a picnic, the man having coffee on a bench nearby, all of these are part of a descriptive essay. Think outside of the box as you write this. Consider that you were seeing things unfolding before your eyes but you did not allow your imagination to soar. You merely stated what was obvious. There was no creativity to the presentation. You went for factual presentations when you were required to use your imagination in order to make this park, and the way that various people relax when they are there, come to life in the mind of the reader. You could have said something like;
As I stepped off my moped and walked towards the park entrance, the smell of corn dogs coming from the hot dog stand near the ticket booth filled my senses. Although I had just had lunch, I found myself heading for the hot dog stand for what I consider the be the best comfort food around. I had just gotten the results of my math test earlier that day and I was feeling low. I did not know how to tell my mom I had failed yet another test. So I came to the park instead of heading home. Hoping to find some clarity and peace by watching other people in the park. The corn dog, was just a bonus as far as I was concerned. The corn dog and the park, the two things in my life that are always sure to bring to a zen like sense of relaxation and fulfillment.
See the descriptiveness in the paragraph? That is what you are aiming for. That is what your teacher is also looking for. There are some grammar and punctuation errors in the essay you wrote. Had you typed the document in Word 10 or used an online grammar checker, that would have been caught and immediately correct. I suggest you do that when you revise the essay.