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[IELTS Writing part 2] Money should be spent on health education instead of medical technology

mandyduong 4 / 9  
May 15, 2017   #1
Topic: Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budget on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should, instead, be spent on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

health investments

Health care are well considered in the modern society. Most people think a huge amount of money should be invested in high cost medical equipment as well as its processes, especially in developed countries whereas other people agree spending budgets on health education is enough to get people healthy.

Many people support the fact the governments put money in equipping plenty of medical gadgets and procedure because it provides accurate diagnoses and treatment. With precise and thorough analysis, it helps reduce heavy duty jobs such as evaluating samples of blood. Additionally, they likely avoid trial-and-errors which could cause serious harm and time and money consuming issues. Besides, advanced technology and procedures bring efficient support in emergency cases. For instance, a person who accidentally gets hit on the street or has a heart attack can be physically and mentally in danger without appropriate assistance from those machines. However, receiving treatment from those massively expensive medical tools means people must afford over thousands or even millions dollars. Even if people are capable of paying, it doesn't encourage healthy lifestyles as patients tend to rely too much on the high tech medical processes.

A large number of people believe health education offers basic common preventative measures such as guidance on healthy lifestyles and first aids. Specifically, equipped essential knowledge about sleeping, eating and exercising habits, not only people can keep their bodies in shape, they are also able to protect themselves from many diseases. More importantly, health education is accessible to an enormous number of countries all over the world economically which means everyone can benefit from it online and offline without paying a massive amount of money. On the other hand, health care knowledge is so easy to get from forums, websites and tabloids that people tend to handle their health issues by themselves and refuse to ask for professional advice. Buying medicines without doctors' prescriptions or overusing aspirins and vitamins cause serious health problems.

In a nutshell, it is believed that developed countries should spend more money on advanced medical technology and processes meanwhile others are in favor of taking care of their health through many educational channels. In my opinion, those two forms of health care are equally important; therefore, both of them should be invested properly.
May 16, 2017   #2
There is a need to address public health from both preemptive and preventive perspectives. What this means is that investment should first be directed at preventing illnesses through health education. Nevertheless, education on its own cannot fully prevent diseases. The population that ultimately gets infected needs a way to get cured. The second step, therefore, would be to invest sufficiently in appropriate medical technologies and procedures.
Ahmadham 4 / 11 7  
May 17, 2017   #3
Hi, I am really impressed with the way you wrote your essay. The structure is clearly understandable and easy to follow. Besides, you are successful to deliver your thought in logical order. However, I am little bit skeptical with the quality of your introductory paragraph as there was no clear thesis statement there. You need to know that thesis statement is the most important component in writing essay as this will guide the reader to know your essay content before going through the body paragraph. In addition, this part plays a pivotal role to improve the coherency of your essay. With regard to your body paragraph, it seems that its structure is more similar to discussion essay, which can be identified by your preference to write (MANY PEOPLE SUPPORT in the first body paragraph, AND A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE BELIEVE in the second body paragraph), If we refer, however, to the question, the writer is actually instructed to describe their own thought regarding to the issues. Here, I said, there should be a profound distinction between discussion essay and asking opinion essay.
OP mandyduong 4 / 9  
May 19, 2017   #4
Hi, thanks for your feedback. I'm really appreciated.
As I know there are two types of essays which can be confusingly mistaken. They are argument-led (which is non-personal) and thesis-led (which is personal) essays, and following the topic above, I believe I can choose either of them to work on. What do you think?

Thanks - Mandy
kevin1983 5 / 8  
May 21, 2017   #5
It is a excellent essay, however, I am not convinced about the conclusion about "Develop countries", for there is no evidence in the body of essay to discuss the develop countries or developing countries.

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