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Writing IELTS Part 1: Staff training provided by four companies.

Cuong Trinh 2 / 3 2  
Nov 20, 2019   #1
Your help is really appreciated!

% of staff trained

The diagram illustrates the percentage of staff training provided from four organizations. Throughout the period from 2003 and 2006, the training staff of company A slightly increased while the others gradually rocketed.

The percentage of company A stayed unchanged from 2003 to 2004 at 27 percent. Throughout the period from 2004 to 2005, the figure of this organisation started to fell sharply and then slightly increased to reach 28 percent in 2006. The percentage of staff training provided by company B rose sharply from 28 percent in 2003 to 31 percent in 2004. During a year from 2004 to 2005, the figure of this organization fell slightly from 31 percent to 25 percent. Similar to the company A, for a year from 2005 to 2006, the number in percentage of company B reach a peak at 34 percent. Between 2003 to 2005, the percentage of company C and D is opposite to each other. While the company C substantially rocketed from 25 percent to 36 percent from 2003 to 2004, the diagram shows the company D reached a low of 17 percent. Between 2005 and 2006, the percentage of staff training from company C fell dramatically from 36 percent to 31 percent. In contrast, it had a doubling in percentage from company D from 17 percent to 34 percent. Both companies' figure increased in the period from 2005 to 2006. Beside the company C has a growth to 36 percent, the other reached a peak at 35 percent.

Overall, the graph highlights the growth in percentage of staff training of four companies A, B, C and D throughout 2003 to 2006.

  • This is the diagram

jungsooyeon 2 / 5 4  
Nov 20, 2019   #2
@Cuong Trinh
you have many mistakes in your writing. I see you have 2 overview in this writing: one in the first and two in the last. I suggest you should separate your writing into 4 paragraphs:

1st para: introduction
2nd para: overview
3rd para: body 1
4th para: body 2
you relay a lot of 'the percentage of company A,B,C,D' in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. you can replay them with 'the proportion of, the rate of'. and 'the percentage of company A'? the percentage of what??? you need to change these sentenses. you should not use 'the figure' for this writing because it is measured in percent. and 'the figure for' is only utilized for a particular number.
Maria [Contributor] - / 1,062 374  
Nov 20, 2019   #3
@Cuong Trinh
Hi there. Welcome again to the site! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us and ask for more information should you have additional queries!

In general, I find your writing to be a tad bit cluttered, especially because you were merging all of your analysis and interpretations into just one cluster of text. What you could have done to improve this writing would have been to incorporate a more strategic approach to writing to create a more compartmentalized approach to writing. For example, the second paragraph (that you have now) should have been sub-divided into three shorter ones to create different layers of analysis in writing as opposed to dumping everything in just one go.

The last concluding remarks should have also been improved to. Just merely stating that there is a highlighted growth that's visibly seen throughout those three years that have passed is insufficient. Try to be more innovative with your final remarks to make everything appear a lot more structured.
emme4665 2 / 3  
Nov 24, 2019   #4
You should follow the structure: intro, overview, detail 1, detail 2 and line breaks between paragraphs.
Your article should skip the last overview.
Instead of looking at each company individually, you should group it. For example, group company A with company B because they are quite similar

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