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TOEFL- a part time job beneficial to students?


Bluesie 1 / 1  
Sep 7, 2010   #1
Hey everybody, i am a newbie. Hopefully, i can learn valuable things from you. Here's my first essay in this forum, please check it out ^^! Thank you so much!!!!!!:D

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students benefits a lot from working part time.

20-somethings nowadays are such active people that they always challenge themselves to grow up. This is probably the reason as to why many students now prefer to have a part time job. As for me, i totally agree with this statement, for i believe there are a bulk of advantages to financial, living experiences and social interactions as well.

Above all, the first apparent benefit comes from income of some sorts from my temporary jobs. Should i want to be a independent person, a part time job no doubt makes sense to me. Thanks to such sources, i could afford for my basic living expenses, my tuition fees, even if only for a small part to get rid of monetary burdens for family. Moreover, as owing a certain sum of money, i am able to be mature in perspectives, better myself in saving and spending money. Readily, a part time job benefits me the first steps into future.

Secondly, undergoing new things that i should never met in high school, i free myself to the wider world. I like a saying :" not everything learned contains in a book", which hold the idea regarding the role of experiences to master our knowledge. A majority of jobs done by students are basic positions in companies or labour-extensive works at markets, shops, etc. Thus, living in an energetic environment brings students up to date on the real fast pace of jobs and make theories in books a reality. Also, i learn skills such as communication, negotiation, interviewing, etc, which i think are valuable undergoings that lends me a good job in future.

Lastly, i rather get close acquaintances with many people in walks of life. Because of many links and relationships among jobs, fields, and the requirements of interaction, employers or workers must dealt with varying types of people-both bad and good ones-and know how to be aware of them. For me, wide circles of friends equal to happier lifestyles, and, i always want to make good friends as many as possible.

To sum up, the very advantages of a part time jobs would outweigh some drawbacks like time demand. In addition to materials, they teach me lessons of how the actual life is going on and how can i behave with people surrounding me.

ryutei133 5 / 24  
Sep 8, 2010   #2
First, you should write "I" in big letter.
...and social interactions as well .
...some sorts of my ...a part time job undoubtedly makes sense...a small part to lighten monetary burden...owing to a certain..
.."not everything learned is contained in a book"...which holds ...really fast ...
...I getrather close...must deal with various ...
... how I can (or should? or shall?) behave...

For me, wide circles of friends equal to happier lifestyles, and, i always want to make good friends as many as possible.

What do you think about this one: For me, wider social circle will bring a happier lifestyle to people, and I believe I will never make too many good friends.

I really like your ideas, and I wish my opinions will help! :)
OP Bluesie 1 / 1  
Sep 8, 2010   #3
Thanks Ryutei .>:D<, i rewrited : To me, more friends means more interesting lifestyles, and I want to make friends as many as possible.
sandeepkale 3 / 4  
Sep 9, 2010   #4
You should write general views about the topic rather than your own experiences. Sentences should be properly enclosed with appropriate meanings.

Over all, you may improve very quickly if u follow the general views about the given topics/ thanks
soccon36 4 / 11  
Sep 9, 2010   #5
I am studying toefl like you as well. I think the best way to improve writing skill in toefl is that you should read as many toefl writing samples as possible. So that you can learn how to write a good and efficient essay. You also learn to write "general views" than "your own experiences" as sandeepkale's advice. I have really improved my skill after doing that and I think you can.

Hope you happy.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Sep 9, 2010   #6
At the start, I think I understand what you mean to say, but the sentence needs revision:

20-somethings nowadays are such active people that they feel hurried to grow up quickly. always challenge themselves to grow up. This is probably the ...

This sentence also needs some revision:

Above all, the first apparent benefit is income from my temporary jobs. Should i want to be an independent person, a part time job no doubt makes sense to me. --- now this is very good.

Capitalize "i" though!

Thanks to such sources, i could afford for my ...capitalize the i!!

:-)

I like a saying :" not everything learned contains in a book", which holds the idea regarding the role of experiences to master our knowledge. ---- I don't know how to fix this expression. It does not make sense properly, but I don't know how to fix it. Do you mean that not all knowledge can be found in books?

To sum up, the very advantages of a part time jobs would outweigh drawbacks like time demand.

In addition to monetary compensation, they teach me lessons about the nature of real life and how I can effectively work with people around me.

I'm glad you are a member of essayforum now!! Thanks for participating.


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