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IELTS WRITING PART 2 - working while studying teenagers


giangninh 1 / -  
Jun 16, 2021   #1
Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work.

Discuss both views and give your opinion



Working while studying is a controversial topic and there are two opinions about it. Although some people advocate the combination, others strongly disagree with it. From my point of view, the young should early carry out part time work when they are students.

On the one hand, it is hard to agree with the idea of sparing time for two activities because studying might render students stressed if they lack time for relaxing, especially during exam period. This can be attributed to the reason that learners may have to face a heavy study load which includes tremendously complicated subjects. After spending a huge amount of time researching, teenagers should allocate their time to other resting activities which can help them avoid overstretching the nervous system.

On the other hand, there are several advantages while having a part - time job. Firstly, they may learn on the job then equip themselves with some basic lessons. It is a consequence of the fact that when a student is officially included in a company, he or she will have various particularly assigned tasks. Therefore, he or she may take a chance of applying theoretical knowledge accumulating from schools into practice as well as collaborate with other colleagues to solve his/her problems. The result is that they may comprehensive the abstract theories and sharpen their interpersonal skills. Secondly, it is said that becoming more disciplined is a precious experience students may have. This result may stem from the strict assessment in the working environment which is known as KPI. It might require the young to well organize and work effectively.

In conclusion, in spite of the fact that totally concentrating on studying may be supported due to its benefits, I am convinced by the opposite idea.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Jun 17, 2021   #2
Word usage accuracy is important when writing. Simply stating " working while studying does not carry the same meaning as " Working part-time" while studying. The time reference to an occupation totally changes the meaning of the discussion. Provide a descriptive word alternative that stays true to the original reference.

The overall discussion allows for a reference to the public topics, but not explaining the public reasons. The job of the writer is to explain the reasons behind each public opinion before explaining his own. So, there should be 3 paragraphs here that use 3rd person pronouns twice and 1st opinion pronouns once for discussion format adherence and clarity. There was a failure to support and prove the writer's opinion in the discussion due to the incorrect nature of the presentation. There was an accidental shift from the required comparative discussion to a single opinion for 2 points of view when the essay was written.


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