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Participating in sports and exercises in Australia. Reporting bar charts - IELTS

indrasti 1 / 1  
Feb 12, 2018   #1
My answer:

physically active Australians

The chart illustrates how many people, divided by gender and age groups, who did regular physical activity in Australia in 2010.

Overall, the number of females who are physically active exceed that of males in the given period. Females from the age of 45 to 54 comprised of the highest number while the majority of men who spent their time doing physical activity was from the age of 15 to 24.

There were five age groups in which females were more active than males. While 53.3% females aged 45 to 44 spent more time being active, the number of males from the same age group was 10.1% lower. In terms of females and males aged 55 to 64, the amount of females who exercised and played sports was 53.1% as opposed to 43.1% for their male counterparts. Similarly, in the age group of 35 to 44, more females exercised than males (52.5% and 39.5% respectively). Moreover, regarding to the age group of 25 to 34, there was 6.7% difference with more females doing physical activity than males. Lastly, merely 1% more of females than males who are 65 years old and above were physically active.

With regards to the remaining age group, as many as 52.8% males in their youth (age 15 to 24) participated in sports and exercise compared to 47.7% of the females, making it the only age group where the majority of males were more physically active than females.

Phuong Cao - / 4  
Feb 13, 2018   #2
Hi there,
It seems to me that you've done a good job. Your report is full of detail and it provides a huge number of comparisons.

However, I think this report is imbalance, with an unequal length of two bodies. Another point is that you should replace the word "female" or "male" to upgrade your lexical resource point.

Good job, mate
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,505 1933  
Feb 13, 2018   #3
Indrastiningtias, you developed an informative essay in the sense that you presented all of the relevant information in the chart. However, you did not present a summary overview prior to your trending sentence. So you did not accurately complete the TA requirements of the essay. The TA portion requires you to summarize the topic for discussion, reason for discussion, measurement metrics, and trending indication. That creates a complete summary overview that accurately allows the reader to analyze the information you will be presenting.

By the way, avoid using parenthetical information. A parenthesis indicates optional information. There is no optional information in the essay so you should present those accurately integrated into the paragraph. I know you tried to use the parenthesis so you could include more information per sentence without creating a run-on. The problem with that presentation is that it disconnects the information from the rest of the paragraph information. It makes it optional and unimportant when it should not be.

As for your paragraph formats, keep it uniform between 3-5 sentences regardless of whether it is the opening or closing presentation. Aim for 5 sentences per paragraph so that you can have a complete information presentation. It also allows you to fully show off your LR and GRA skills for maximum scoring effect.
OP indrasti 1 / 1  
Feb 14, 2018   #4
Thank you so much for your feedback!

Can you give me an example of a complete summary overview? My IELTS teacher only taught me to paraphrase the bar chart title prior to the trending sentence.

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