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Toefl Essay Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources


Keng 39 / 134  
Oct 13, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I need feedback to improve my writing skill becasue my previous essay submitted was not good.
Thank you for the feedback

An essay question is that

Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources, such as forests, animal and clean water. Choose one resource that is disappearing and explain why it need to bed saved. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

life without forest is impossible



Forest is the most important natural resources. It can provide food and water for tribes, act as a barrier against natural disasters, and reduce the concentration of carbon emissions from a chemical industry. Considering these factors, people will be able to lead a normal and stable in the world.

In the first place, tribal citizens can have fruit, meat and even honey for daily consumption. In forest, there are a lot of things that people who live in the mountain can find for daily life. They do not have to fight one another to look for forest things such as honey, drinking water and even meat because of their abundance.

In the second place, people who live in a low land do not have to move to another area in the rainy season. This is true because during the flash flood, houses which are located in its path are razed so that they have to evacuate to another site. However, with forest, they do not have to worry a lot about this because although the flood happens, their homes are not destroyed; family members do not meet their end. Damages from the flooding are not so serious that people will not have to look for new living areas.

Finally, People who live near the industrial zone do not have to anxious about their health. This main reason is that forest needs carbon dioxide for photosynthesis; when a factory releases the carbon dioxide, the forest will absorb it and throw out in return oxygen which is an important source of an atmosphere for living. For example, in Thailand, a chemical factory which is situated in the outskirts of the city loft much carbon dioxide into an atmosphere; beside the factory, a large area of forest is so abundant that the forest can get enough carbon dioxide for photosynthesis and release oxygen which still make the surrounding environment clean.

In conclusion, it is unavoidable for people in a low land, an industrial site and even mountain to live a comfortable life without the forest because it can become sources of food and water for tribes, a natural barrage against natural destruction and a best way to reduce carbon dioxide.

mocixuan 4 / 10  
Oct 13, 2009   #2
Hi,

Here are some my ideas about your essays:

1.... important natural resourcesresource .
2.... lead a normal and stable in the world(I don't understand this sentence)
3.... do not have to be anxious ...
4.This The main reason is that

Uh,i feel that some sentences are little awkward and not as natural as people usually say.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 13, 2009   #3
The content of the essay is ok. There are, though, many grammar errors. Thesewill have to be fixed.

As I was reading this, it was like reading an answer from someone who has absolutely zero interest in the subject. It is ok if you don't, but the reader needs to feel like you do. If you can, put some personal feeling into it. It will read much better that way.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Oct 13, 2009   #4
Thank you for your feedback.

During the brainstorming, i have nothing in my mind, i just try to write logical things to support the forest.
Nevertheless, i will do my best to write an essay.

Practice makes perfect.
tuanlnc 10 / 36  
Oct 15, 2009   #5
Hi,
people will be able to lead a normal and stable in the world. After "a", there should be a noun, but you used "in the world'.


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