Majd, you are writing an academic essay. Therefore, the response needs to be direct and informative. You need not bother with flowery introductions to the topic as you do here. You are not only wasting space on the page, you are also wasting valuable time in developing your essay response. Since the reviewer will have only a few moments to decide whether or not to continue reading your essay, it is best to represent your response as soon as possible with this first paragraph. For a TOEFL essay, the first paragraph must only contain the following information DIRECTLY:
1. A restatement of the prompt - e.g People have different approaches to problem solving.
2. Introduction to the discussion - e.g.I have a particular approach to problem solving that works very well well for me.
3. Subject sentence - e.g. By applying patience to problem solving, I come up with the required solution to the problem.
4. Additional information - e.g. I will discuss how patience helps me solve problems by presenting details below.
Now, as Gang mentioned you need to use the pronouns "Me, myself, and I" within the paragraphs, in the most applicable forms because this essay is all about your opinion, your experiences, your reasons. Therefore, ownership of all statements is a requirement. Your generalized presentation does not bode well for the final consideration of your score because you have not given specific instances within the essay that relate to your experience of problem solving through patience.
Again, the mistake in the concluding statement. It is not the place for additional information. Just sum up the discussion points in the essay and close. Sum up:
1. The topic discussed
2. The response you gave
3. A summary of your reasons
4. closing sentence.
You almost fulfilled this requirement in your closing paragraph. The problem is that instead of saying "It is because of these reasons that I believe patience helps me solve problems." You created a new point of discussion by saying,
Yet, if you lack the crucial key called patience, you might end up being torn apart by the stakes and risks along the way.
That created the opening for a whole new discussion instead of simply closing out the discussion.