Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job.


m7mdbsheer 6 / 7 1  
Nov 24, 2016   #1
When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job. To a certain extent I agree that money is important; however, I also think that there are many other factors could be more important.

On the one hand, It is true that work is perhaps our sole source of livelihood. Thus, getting enough wages to secure our family's needs is of crucial importance. If the money that we get paid is more than what we need, there would be a chance to save more money then, work a smaller number of hours and have more free time to enjoy. Therefore, the higher the salary we earn the better and the happier our lives will be. As a result, in a competitive business world with a vast number of job opportunities, I see it is logical that people should look for jobs with a higher salary.

In spite of the above argument, there are several other factors which are essential and need to be considered before thinking about money. Firstly, the nature of the work; is it safe and not harmful to the employee's health? Because it is pointless to destroy one's health in order to collect money, and there is no amount of money that can replace wellbeing. Another factor to consider is how will the employee be satisfied with this particular job. In other words, to what extent does employee like the job and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life, because it is not easy to keep doing a thing that we can't stand even if we earn a lot from it.

In conclusion, it is important to have a job with a high salary, but there are some other factors that must be considered firstly.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 25, 2016   #2
Hi Mohammed..
These are my thoughts toward your essay. Please, you review my notes


Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job

You did not paraphrase the statement well. There was the statement "the salary is the most important" . It had the different meaning with the statement. One of your job in the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing.

I also think that there are many other factors could be more important.

To strengthen your thesis statement, you should mention factors what you meant. It will describe generally what you will explain in the body paragraph.

secure our family's needs is of crucial importance THE MOST CRUCIAL ELEMENT.
... chance to save more money then, work a smaller number of hours and ... (I think this was not needed because you explained effects of having more salary. Therefore, the higher the salary we earn ...

As a result, in a competitive business IN THE WHOLE world with AND a vast number (...) it is logical that WHY people should look for ...

..., there are several other factors which are MORE essential and needED to be considered before ...
ITS REASON IS Because it is pointless to destroy one's health ...
Another factor to BE considerED is how will the employee WILL be satisfied with ...
In other words, to what extent does WHETHER employee like the job OR NOT and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life, because it is not easy (...) that we can't CANNOT (Do not use contraction in the formal writing) stand even if we earn a lot from it.

In conclusion, it is important (...) that must be considered firstly.

st
I only remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are able to include suggestions to complete your introduction paragraph.

Note: Make sure what you write is what you mind. Sometimes you needed the passive sentence, you made the active. Hopefully, above can help you to improve your written skill.


Home / Writing Feedback / Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job.