These are my thoughts toward your essay. Please, you review my notes
Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a jobYou did not paraphrase the statement well. There was the statement "the salary is the most important" . It had the different meaning with the statement. One of your job in the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing.
I also think that there are many other factors could be more important.To strengthen your thesis statement, you should mention factors what you meant. It will describe generally what you will explain in the body paragraph.
secure our family's needs is
of crucial importance
THE MOST CRUCIAL ELEMENT.
... chance to save more money
then, work a smaller number of hours and ...
(I think this was not needed because you explained effects of having more salary. Therefore, the higher
salary we earn ...
As a result, in a competitive business IN THE WHOLE world
AND a vast number (...) it is logical
WHY people should look for ...
..., there are several other factors
MORE essential and needED to be considered before ...
ITS REASON IS Because it is pointless to destroy one's health ...
Another factor to BE considerED is how
the employee WILL be satisfied with ...
In other words, to
WHETHER employee like the job OR NOT and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life
because it is not easy (...) that we
CANNOT (Do not use contraction in the formal writing)
stand even if we earn a lot from it.
In conclusion, it is important (...) that must be considered firstly.
I only remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are able to include suggestions to complete your introduction paragraph.
Note: Make sure what you write is what you mind. Sometimes you needed the passive sentence, you made the active. Hopefully, above can help you to improve your written skill.