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Some people become famous at young age. Is it good thing or bad thing?

soulpancake 4 / 8  
Jun 20, 2018   #1

young stars

With the development of technology in 21st century, everyone can become stars at from an early age. Many people think that it is good to find out and take advantage the talent as soon as possible. However, to be famous whether they only focus on what they are good at or they force to face the others. In my opinion, it is the worst thing to be as a star at young age.

On the one hand, whoever you are, an adult or a child, you still need to face complicated social issues. Although you are still young and not mature, these problems happend to you. People cheer you up and like you in this time, however, they can turn back you for just one second because what you did. Money, fame, dignity are such a good things everyone dreams of and work hard to have, but these people are so easy to have it. That is therefore they do not value normal things. In addition, some country's culture concern so much about their look, fan will give bad comments in their different appearance.

On the other hand, the massive scheduals would destroy your childhood. You do not have time to see friends, relatives; care about around people; go public like others because fan will annoy you all the time or you can not play things what your friend do. It might change your characteristics a lot, criticisms makes you feel stressful which you sould have not sufferred in this age.

A philippines singer, Charice pempengco, become famous since she was nine, consider as the best diva ever because of her wonderful voice. Many people even told she was better than Whitney Houston, so she try her best to sing all the time in different shows while her larynx does not fully develope. The result is that she lost her amazing voice now and her career is destroyed. It is pity for such a talented person.

In short, finding talents are so important, however, let that talent have time to develope and train in right way and right time.
cherny 4 / 8 1  
Jun 20, 2018   #2

scheduals --> schedule
care about around people --> care about people in surrounding.

i do not understand this sentence "... bad comments in their different appearance".
khanhmeoxx 1 / 1  
Jun 21, 2018   #3
Hi, this is for you. Hope you find it useful :)

- That is therefore => just "Therefore" is necessary.
- Some tiny misspellings such as:
criticisms makes you, can not => cannot, should, considered as (passive)
- The conclusion should be longer to brief your all key points as well.
OP soulpancake 4 / 8  
Jun 21, 2018   #4
Thank you for your suggestions. To this sentence "... bad comments in their different appearance", i agree that i do not give the full meaning. It should have been "... bad comments in their different appearance when they are grown- up"
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,003 3877  
Jun 21, 2018   #5
Hoa, you were only asked whether the topic provided was a good or bad thing. To exaggerate the response by saying "worst" changes the context of the topic. This single opinion essay should have a consistently connected discussion of various points of view. There is a disconnection in the presentation you used because your topics are unrelated to one another.

Since you started the discussion on the context of complicated social issues, you should have focused on this discussion in the second paragraph. Your topic sentence was good but you did not really discuss proper supporting references and examples that could have better illustrated your point. This topic alone would have been enough to cover the required 3 body paragraphs.

The "other hand" statement actually does not connect with the first part of the discussion because it relates to "scheduling". A topic that was not properly introduced towards the end of the first paragraph. Remember, when discussing unrelated topics, you need to prepare the reader for the coming change in the discussion topic by presenting a "transition" sentence at the end. It doesn't need to be a fancy sentence, just a signal sentence to let the reader know you are changing topics in the next paragraph.

The example you used, Charice Pempenco, does not really have relation to the discussion topic because you failed to explain how her voice relates to her popularity. I for one do not know who this person is so I do not really care about the discussion you presented. If you must use an example, always make sure that it is someone who is a pop icon like say Justine Beiber, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, or some other well known international celebrity in order to better illustrate your point.

By the way, you should be careful of your spelling, the Philippines if the name of a country and should be capitalized. Don't forget to proof read your practice essays because this is your one chance to make sure you get everything right in the actual test. That means, you need to create a pocket of time to edit and revise the content of your paper. Otherwise, you will risk losing points for grammar and lexical references.

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