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[task 2] Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age


LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Nov 3, 2017   #1
Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age. To what extent do you agree or disagree

the writing topic of 20171102 China mainland IELTS test

elderly people at work



Some people think it a good idea to stay in their jobs when they grow old. Personally, I strongly disagree with them on this matter. I will elaborate my arguments as follows.

The primary reason that the elderly should retire is that they are physically fragile. Their immunity is certain to deteriorate with age, so that they are more vulnerable to illness. For them, the likelihood is extraordinarily high of falling ill under the stress in the workplace. When struck by disease, they also have difficulties in recovering readily, and thus, the conditions can be chronic. Considering the potential risk of healthy problems, it is unwise for them to continue working.

Furthermore, even though a few people maintain robust health at their old age, they should withdraw from their occupation too - because it is a painful struggle for them to keep up with the times. In the age of technological innovation, many job sectors have undergone disruptive change, forcing professionals in these fields to learn from scratch and explore the unknown. This is just the serious weak point of the elderly, who tend to be conservative and not open to novelties. They usually stick to existing tools or solutions, reluctant to exercise their creativity. For this reason, the best option for them is to simply bow out of the employment market.

To recapitulate, infirmity due to age proves a major hurdle to the career development of older people. The era of technological revolution also poses formidable challenges to them. Therefore, they should withdraw from their occputation at a ripe old age, despite their eagerness to continue their professional pursuit.

This time, I tried to make some improvements accordingly. Hope it works. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
I used the term "strongly disagree", so I just laid out my disagreements rather than wrote a comparative essay. I placed the transition sentence "Furthermore, even though ..." in the opening of the third paragraph.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,013 4242  
Nov 3, 2017   #2
Gang, I am impressed by your network. These essay prompts are normally as heavily guarded as the US president. How did you manage to get a copy of an active question from the testing center? Don't answer that. I don't really need to know. As always, I expect nothing lower than a score of 8 from you. The only thing really holding you back from that elusive 9 is the fluency problem and wrong use of collocations at times. For this essay, I want to focus on the mistakes that gave away the fact that you are not an ENL or English Native Language Speaker yet in terms of discussion development skills.

... the potential risk of healthy problems...
- ... risk of HEALTH problems

...robust health at their old age...
- ... health IN their...

their occupation too - because it...
This is just the serious weak...

Your concluding paragraph is strong but missing one element. Can you tell what it is? You forgot to reiterate your strong disagreement with the statement in the end. That's alright the concluding paragraph was already an acceptable conclusion anyway.
iceman2017 4 / 5  
Nov 3, 2017   #3
@LadyOfClockwork

On the first paragraph, you could also relate that elderly people have a higher rate of absenteeism which tends to have an impact on productivity.

On the second paragraph, you could also relate it to redundancy as a result of disruptive change.
OP LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Nov 3, 2017   #4
@Holt
Glad to hear that. With your help, I've finally found the solution to my problematic presentation. Thanks.

As to the essay prompt, it's actually not me who got a copy of an active question from the testing center.
Anyway, I can reassure you that I get the topic legally. :D


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