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IELTS W2- Some people believe that it is good to share information freely, others don't

Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Oct 28, 2017   #1
Some people believe that it is good to share as much as information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too invaluable to be shared freely.

Discuss both views and five your opinion.

protected information

This is a generation of substantial information, with widespread of technology, people can easily access to data they need. Therefore, should such information be shared freely have become an issue to discuss. In my opinion, I think that is inappropriate.

My mayor concern is that some information is classified. Knowledge in academic research and corporate operation have tight relationship with national security. For example, the exploration of rare element for scientist research may be used to produce fatal weapon if terrorists can reach this technique easily on public platform. This will cause serious consequence.

People who support the transparent of information may argue that the authorities can choose the severity of information they are willing to publish. By sharing information, people can enhance their own knowledge, even improve their life, creating a win-win situation.

Although this argument sounds reasonable, I have to point out that people should considerate the Intellectual Poverty Rights. Freely sharing information which made from others may jeopardize the authors' rights, moreover, break the law. Who can decide what kind of information can be shared and via what methods are much difficult than we think.

To conclude, the original belief of sharing information freely is built on positive purpose, but when it relates to sensitive topic of such information, people should think twice before action.
MariamM 5 / 14 2  
Oct 28, 2017   #2
Hello dear, please consider my below comments:

1- "should such information be shared freely ..." , you may rephrase this statement. For example: "Sharing information freely have become an issue to discuss" or "Should such information be shared freely? That's the question that have become an issue to discuss"

- My major concern...

2- The punctuation could be as follows:
... fatal weapon. If terrorists can ... public platform, this will cause ...

3- "Freely sharing information which made from others " - I think you may need to rephrase this sentence.

4- I actually could not get what you mean by "Who can decide what kind of information can ..." is it a question ? or an informative sentence ?

Good Luck! :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
Oct 28, 2017   #3
Arlen, the score for your essay will be a 2. That is the best way that I could think of to tell you that this essay does not properly respond to the prompt requirements. The answer you provided barely responds to the task. Read the prompt, you were supposed to write this as a comparative essay with a personal opinion. It was not supposed to be written as a solely personal point of view essay like you did here. The correct prompt paraphrase would have been:

Members of the intellectual world believe that data sharing is an important aspect of research in science, business, and education. Then again, there are some members of the academic society that are inclined to believe that information is a valuable commodity that should not be openly disseminated to others in their respective communities. This essay will compare the two points of view prior to my discussion of my point of view on the topic provided.

The the paragraph discussion format could have been:

Par. 2 - Supports sharing
Par. 3 - Does not support sharing
Par. 4 - Personal opinion (just one opinion either pro or con)

Based on the correct prompt representation and body paragraphs outline, the essay would have been discussed in a more appropriate manner.
just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 28, 2017   #4
Your essay doesn't have the right structure. There are too many paragraphs, and two of them with only have two sentences when the minimum requirement is at least 3 sentences in a paragraph. each paragraph you should present an argument, explain it and give an example. This structure will help you to write a better essay in the future.

Also, some of your sentences were hard to understand, like:

should such information be shared freely have become an issue to discuss
I think you meant: whether such information should be shared freely or not is an issue.

Be careful about the way you are writing your sentences, it looks like you have the knowledge to write a good essay.

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