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Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money


bahareh 18 / 50  
Sep 28, 2011   #1
Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position.

When I chose my career teaching, I realized that my job with a low salary was the best job for me. I had a plenty of time to spend with my kids and enjoy our vacation during every summer because I was free as a teacher. However, the salary was not enough to cover all our expenses and my husband had to work every night till late. So, whether high salary which makes large amounts of money or only a small amount of money for a comfortable life has many advantages and disadvantages that I will discuss both sides in follow.

First but foremost, it is a true that everybody desires to make his or her life a bit merrier and easier from good furniture to a nice house. Seeing variety of life style such as a luxury life makes people to wish having it by working hard and gain lots of money. Whereas, making good fortune needs people to work all the time under high pressure of stress. This stress leads to many heath issue and illnesses which opposes to a healthy and normal life.

In addition, rich people find their reputation through their life by supportive money that they gained. They are able to acquire whatever they want or other people demand it. So, large money brings them fortune and power which makes them be able to spend it on charity to help poor people. They feel satisfied and happy to see their abilities to do many things and make life seems more delighted for everyone and themselves as well. However, earning lot of money means missing family and the time that has to be spending with them but there are other responsibilities through a hard working.

Last but not least, it would be a great life if people can afford every thing that they want to have but I do believe life has another aspect which is more important for me than making large amounts of money. Peace and happiness are the essential facts that any life needs it. Thus, everybody should remember those facts to enjoy his or her life.

PLEASE CORRECT MY ERRORS IN THIS TOFEFL ESSAY EXAMPLE AND LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN IMPROVE IT.
THANKYOU

basawang 10 / 76  
Sep 28, 2011   #2
Hi,

There are some grammatical errors. Nevertheless, I want to talk about your structure because it may be a more severe problem.

I think you should clearly mention your central idea rather than describe your experience in the beginning .
Here are two types of structure.

#1

1st paragraph: State your stand (Maintaining a comfortable life is more important than earning lots of money.)

2nd paragraph: Reason 1

3rd paragraph: Reason 2

4th paragraph: Summary

#2

1st paragraph: These two options both have some advantages and disadvantages.

2nd paragraph: The advantages and disadvantages of earning lots of money.

3rd paragraph: The advantages and disadvantages of maintaining a comfortable life.

4th paragraph: State which one do you prefer.

You can put your examples in the second or third paragraph.

Do anyone have any ideas?


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