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Toefl -Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money,

namrta 2 / 5  
Sep 11, 2012   #1
Prompt: Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position.

Response -
"Money hai to Honey hai", as a popular maxim says, seems to be true because with money one can fulfill all his temporal desires like having world tour, visiting the best hotel in the world or having the delight of most expensive cuisine available. Still we see that not everybody is after money. Let's discuss more about it in details.

If I am affluent, I can use my wealth to fulfill my family's desires. Money would help me to secure the future of my family. My kids would be able to go the best school. Obviously I would provide all the luxuries possible in the world to my family to make them happy.

Conversely, making copious amount of money does come with some sacrifices; it accounts for lot of hard work and time. For instance, if I provide all the facilities to my family but don't spend much time with them because of the work load, my family would actually be joyless as I am not with them. What would be the use of abundant money if I still can not make my family happy?

Moreover, people after money tend to get more work pressure which cause precarious amount of stress in them, which in turn is injurious to health.

They get so engrossed in earning money that they even ignore their health. For example, work pressures do not give them ample amount of time to eat or they don't eat at the right time. All this leads to unhealthy habits of eating which is detrimental for one's health.

For a person like me who is very health cautious, would never approach for money at the cost of my health .For me, health is wealth.

Thus, albeit money can buy any worldly pleasure, I would still prefer to have a comfortable living.
So we can conclude that importance of money depends upon the priority of the person. For some people only money can buy them happiness but for some spending their precious time with family bring them more elation

eradulova 7 / 14  
Sep 11, 2012   #2
I think you should be more concreted with the intro. You just have state your opinion. Discussion comes later. Do not start a paragraph with IF.

Remember, your essay is divided into tree main part introduction, body and conclusion. First comes the introduction were you state your opinion. Than comes the body. In that part you give two or tree reason for that opinion. You must support them with strong details and examples. You are supposed to write every different reason and supporting details and examples in separate paragraph. In the end you writ your conclusion. It is simple structure to follow. Important, do not translate directly from your language.
OP namrta 2 / 5  
Sep 12, 2012   #3
Thanks for the feedback Eva,
I have made certain changes in the essay, please review it now. it would be great if you can also help me with the grammar, as it is my weak area.

Also I am not sure what is wrong with this introduction; as per Question guidelines I have to analyze both viewpoint and then take a stand for one, so I can't state my opinion in the introduction.

I assert that in the 2nd last paragraph and then concluded what I analyzed in both the viewpoints.
Could you please elaborate that what do you mean by concrete introduction?
Namrta Mahajan
eradulova 7 / 14  
Sep 12, 2012   #4
O'K i will try to explain what I mean when I say concrete introduction. You should generalize what bot statement and give your opinion.

For example - Many people believe that good level of live is provided by amount of money. or Most of the people do believe that happiness and comfortable life is within amount of money. There is other kind of people that do not need fortune to feel comfortable. or Some people believe that comfortable life is not provided only with fortune. Than you state your opinion. In my opinion it is important to have money. or I think that you comfort of life and happiness is not matter of how much money you have but the way person use it.

Do you see, in the second part of question, it is about comfortable living.
It is true what you say but try to generalize. You gave concrete examples. It is only beginning of you essay. Just have a glance of what are the opportunities of bot in general. Later on in your essay you will regard reasons and supporting details. Introduction is a first part of your essay here you put your thesis. It is good to start with quotation but not that way. Begin in that way - It has been said or there is a statement that say "Money hai to Honey hai". Remember, it is academic writing. It is supposed to be more sophisticated.

LIBERTY means people out of occupation, FREEDOM means opportunity to do what you feel like to do
I like you idea, but try not to list you examples. You should put them in order. Here I provide you simple body of you essay.\

1. Short clear introduction. State your opinion.
2. Essay's body. Give two or tree different reasons. Support them with examples, personal or not personal. All your reason have to be put in separate paragraphs.

3. Make strong conclusion of what you have already written.
Now you have clear idea what to follow.

I am learner to. I am not able to help with grammar. There is many thing i do not know. It is helpful if you read a lot of academic articles.

I hope I am helpful to you. Have a nice

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