This is my first post on the forum. Kindly help me with this writing
Prompt: Many people believe that Internet access for children can be dangerous.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
The internet is becoming an inseparable tool in human's lives, especially youngsters. However, besides the effectiveness, a wide range of reports shows that using the internet can cause drawbacks to a child. Although there is criticism related to the negative impacts Internet may bring to children, I personally believe that it also provides benefits when utilized in a proper way.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that the usage of online resources can be detrimental to children, especially the development of both their physical and mental health. Overuse of the internet may lead to the disorders of children since they spend an excessive amount of time surfing the technological devices and neglect other real-life activities, such as playing sports, chitchatting with friends, or studying. Moreover, as they are young and have very few life experiences when they are addicted to the visual worlds, it is easy for them to have a desire to modify what they found on the internet. For instance, a wealth of research has concluded that playing violent games may lead to a sense of violence in children when they grow up. Furthermore, the emergence of risky challenges that are being spread on the internet, such as the blue whale, or the Galindo, can provide examples to demonstrate the disadvantages the internet may bring.
However, the internet may bring positive effects to the cognitive improvement of a child if used with adults' guidance. Recently, the noticeable emergence of online learning has changed the view of parents about the effectiveness of the internet. An example is that during the outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic, when the majority of students are put in social distancing, online learning a way for students to not only learn but also maintain the communication. Furthermore, if there hadn't been the appearance of the internet, children wouldn't have progressed this fast. Since children can now absorb information from the internet to widen their horizons, they earn the opportunity to learn actively and develop with higher speed.
In conclusion, while it is clear that the negativities of the internet remain, the use of it can be monitored so that its positivities can be thoroughly exploited.
Please kindly help me with this piece of writing. Many thanks.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that the usage of online resources can be detrimental to children, especially the development of both their physical and mental health. Overuse of the internet may ...........
you should use on the other hand when starting the sentence with opposite theme.
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Your response format is incorrect. What you wrote is considered to be a comparative essay based on a benefit and drawback discussion. The proper discussion calls for a measured response to the given question. Therefore, this essay will fail due to your obvious lack of English comprehension skills. You failed to understand the discussion question, which provided the discussion format that was to be presented within a 4 paragraph discussion.
The question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Your Response: I personally believe that it also provides benefits when utilized in a proper way.
As you can clearly see, the question requires a yes or no response with a degree of agreement or disagreement such as:
I heavily support/ do not support
I fully support / do not support
I imperatively feel that this discussion must be / must not be supported / not supported
The above are but a few of the measured responses that you could use to show you strong support or non support for the discussion topic. You could outline your 2 reasons, without any actual discussion as a part of your question response to help create a discussion outline for the essay.
The response requires that you discuss this essay using 2 reasons that support your point of view. The agree or disagree essays are always single opinion presentations. Unless specified as an A/D or comparison essay in the instruction, always support only one point of view throughout your discussion.
Your concluding paragraph is used as a summary of the discussion. It should not be single sentence presentation. Rather, it should represent the same information as the introduction paraphrase in a new manner, this time adding your reasons for your supported opinion.
Kindly remember that the format for each paragraph should not be more than 250-290 words. I always advise students to write at least 275 words to make sure that if any word deductions are applied, the essay will still fall under the minimum word requirement. That means, you should write no more than 3-5 sentences per paragraph. The most common paragraph format for the task 2 essay is 4 paragraphs, unless you are doing a compare, contrast, and personal opinion presentation which is given a 5 paragraph format.
As such, you have written too many words for this task 2 essay. Write only the right number of words so that you can focus on quality of work, which you are scored upon. You do not gain extra points for writing a longer essay that has several errors in relation to grammar, formality, and spelling errors, of which your essay is guilty of.
For now, I will just point out these general errors to you. I will give you a chance to write a more appropriate response, based on the corrections provided, for a new topic. Do not rewrite the same topic as your account will automatically be suspended if you do so. Apply the information you have learned to a new piece of topic writing instead.
Thanks teacher for your help. I clearly understand that my response didn't answer the question efficiently and this is more like "to what extent do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages" (Am I right? Please clarify if necessary). I'll keep track of it.
I'd like to ask whether I could use a balance standpoint for this kind or not, which means I only partly agree with the statement.
Again, thanks a lot for your help