Some people believe that longer imprisonment is the most effective method to lessen crime rate

I'm taking IELTS test on July but my writing skill is still so bad :(. Please help me review my essay. Thank you sooo muchhh

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

While some people believe that longer imprisonment is the most effective method to lesson crime, others contend that there are more workable measure to do so. I agree with the view that long prison sentences is the best option in terms of curbing offences.

On the one hand, some altenative methods are feasible to some extent. Facts indicate that the majority of convicted criminals are people who are unemployed or live in poverty. Hence, the government should attract more investment of not only domestic but also foreign coporations so that the demand for labour is boosted and as a result, the number of the unemployed will reduce and more people can meet their basic needs. Another method can be used is to educate adolescent due to the significant raise of crime commited by people at this age. For example, some youngster commit crime because they imitate violence they see on media in real life without awareness of how dangerous and illegal it is.

On the other hand, prison sentence has long been the most prevalent method to deal with crime and it has proved itself to be effective. Long prison sentences create the fear of losing freedom which is the most powerful deterrent against someone's criminal acts. For example, afraid of being captured and seperated from family prevent people from committing crimes. Moreover, many prisoners re-offended when they are released ( especially with the extremely dangerous criminals like mass murderers) so the longer they are in prison, the safer the victoms and social are.

In conclusion, though some others solution may plausible, i believe that the long prison sentence is still the most effective way.

275 words

I'm not entirely good with punctuations but I would help.

are more effective measures to do so.
convicted criminals, are people who ...
Another method that can be ... adolescents due to ... of crimes commited by ...
... youngster commits a crime because ... without the awareness of how ...

... to deal with crimes and it ...
... the safer the victims and society are.

In conclusion, though some others solutions may plausible, ...

This essay should be using the 5 paragraph format:
- Restatement
- POV 1
- POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Concluding restatement

Your essay fell short of the expected discussion format. You deviated from the prompt topic in the first reasoning paragraph. The proposed discussion topic is not focused on the alternative punishment discussion. It is focused on the debate as to whether imprisonment or alternative punishments would be better in reducing the crime rate. You turned the discussion topic into finding alternative forms of punishment. At least in the first reasoning paragraph.

You actually changed the discussion and as such, cannot be scored appropriately for this essay. When you change the discussion parameters, the essay will lose a percentage of points with regards to the word count requirement. You will only be scored fro the passages that still relate to the original discussion. The problem, is that your essay did not properly divide the paragraphs into the point of view topics are indicated by the discussion instructions.

You are scored mostly on prompt adherence, then on clairiy, then on vocabulary, then on grammar. Your exercises should focus more on your ability to understand and perform based on English instructions. You can find apps to help you improve that aspect of your writing. Start with the basic, which is the focal point of your scores, then work your way towards improving the remaining sections from there.