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Some people believe in making large amount of money while others don't care about it


geetakaradkhele 2 / 2  
Feb 27, 2011   #1
pls make correction...help me to improve my writing skills.

some people think that Money is the most crucial part of human life, without it no one can think about life, i.e.without money life would be an ocean without water. Where as few people consider it a trivial part in human life.

In today's society, everybody is running in the competition of making money i.e. in earning money because money is the thing that can give you a luxurious life,the status and the power in the society . Everybody dreams about a fairy tale life , it includes big mansions, fleet of imported cars, expensive jewelery , exclusive vacations etc and one could easily get all these things by nothing but money only. In our society , value of a person is always evaluated by his/ her bank balance, so the person having money could get a status in this society and last but not the least , power is nothing but the support of society. we are seeing this in the U.P. and Bihar, how one person can make all the society to dance on their tune , just because of money.

Where as, there are still few people who are satisfied by earning a small amount of money because they believe in simple living .food, shelter and clothes are the basic need of a human being and they are happy by fulfilling our basic needs .

Though large amount of money gives people a materialistic life , status and power , i WOULD PREFER TO EARN A COMFORTABLE LIVING because I believe in " simple living and high thinking" and there is no end for greediness.

KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 1, 2011   #2
I don't know whether your essay is an argumentation or just a piece of feeling expression. However, I suggest that you should tell the audience your point of view at introduction part because I don't see your thesis sentence yet.

=> some people think that money is the most crucial part of human life (you don't have to capital "Money")

=> In today's society, everybody (or people) is (are) running in the competition of earning money because it may give him or her(them) a luxurious life, status, and power in the society.

=> In our society , value of a person is always evaluated by his/ her bank balance, so the person having money could get a status in this society and last but not the least , power is nothing but the support of society <=(This sentence expresses many ideas at the same time, try to break it)

=> Everybody (some body or many people sounds better) dreams about a fairy tale life , which includes big mansions, fleet, imported cars, expensive jewelery, and exclusive vacations. One can possess these luxurious items if only he or she earns a lot of money. Also, values of a person may be evaluated by his or her bank balance (OR his or her outside's look), so a rich person may get a status as well as high power in this society

=>Whereas, there are still few people who are satisfied by earning just enough for food, shelter, and clothes, which are the basic need of a human being, but they are living a happy life.

After reading your essay I have a feeling that this writing is expressing your feeling. Also, I wonder why you capital all of this "WOULD PREFER TO EARN A COMFORTABLE LIVING". If you believe in "simple living and high thinking" you have to give a reason why (maybe simple life gives you no stress, in contrast, luxurious life gives too much trouble). Your writing is quite clear, but don't repeat "money" again and again. Besides, you don't express many ideas in the same sentence, try to break it into some simple,complex, or compound sentences. English is esier if expressed in simple way, I believe. I like this one "without money life would be an ocean without water". Yes, life would be lifeless without money.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 6, 2011   #3
Capitalize when you start a sentence.
Whereas is one word, no two.

Do not capitalize "money"
Some people think that money is the ...

most crucial part of human life, and tha t without it no one can would be able to think about life. For example, they think that without money life would be an ocean without water. ---nice metaphor!

Stop using i.e. It is not good to use in formal writing. Well, it can be good, but at least put it in parentheses. Don't just put it in the middle of a sentence.

I see a sentence here that does not begin with a capital letter:
... the support of society. we are seeing ...

Use "whereas in the middle of a sentence, like this:
One person can make all the society to dance on their tune , just because of money, whereas there are still few people who are satisfied by earning a small amount of money because they believe in simple living.

Food, shelter and clothes are the ...

:-)


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