Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the age of rapid technological advances, games, movies, and other techniques prevail over traditional books for children's play and study. However, several people say that watching TV and playing games are not as beneficial as reading stories. From my point of view, I utterly agree with the statement that children gain more advantages when reading.

Reading stories augments children's imagination and cultivates their minds. Books are filled with marvelous, beautiful stories helping children discover interesting things throughout single pages and broaden their minds and creativity. Moreover, those stories are touched and educative, which has optimistic impacts on children's mental health. It helps them to be more sympathetic and exquisite. Researchers have shown that reading allows children to train their brain muscles most effectively because when they read, they have to use more energy than they do in watching and playing games.

On the other hand, watching TV or playing video games sometimes can cause additions and misbehaviors. Credulous children are not equipped with full awareness of the influences of games and movies on their minds. Moreover, there is a wide range of inappropriate films and games for children out of parents' control. As a result, those things bring devastating effects on children's health, such as obesity, depression, and even additions. Recent content analyses of children's acts show that children who frequently play fighting and shooting games having more tendency to develop violent behaviors and commit offenses than children who do not.

In conclusion, reading boosts children's knowledge and teaches them great lessons. In contrast, films and games may lead them to wrong thoughts and actions or cause numerous diseases. Therefore, I support children with reading habits.

The paraphrase for this would have been an acceptable 2 sentences. The first half was an unrequired personal opinion presentation. It is important that the writer does not add information in this section as it deducts from the accuracy of the interpretation.

The essay was off to a fantastic reasoning presentation in support of the writer's opinion. It was coherent and relevant. Then, the discussion cohesion was lost in the 2nd paragraph as the first sentence failed to create a connected discussion transition in a relevant manner from the first paragraph to the second paragraph topic.

The second topic no longer related to books in connection with the presented topic. The writer should have discussed how books and reading books can prevent there sorts of problems. The main discussion point must always remain the focus of the paragraph.

@Holt
Thank you i am struggling with writing is not to the point and do not know how to fix it. And what do you means by" main discussion point must always remain the focus of the paragraph." Can you explain more clearly,pls.

Those stories are touched- touching and educational

Playing video games sometimes can cause

addiction and misbehaviors

Shooting games have more tendency

Books are filled with marvelous, beautiful stories helping children discover interesting things throughout every single pages and broaden their minds and as well as boost their creativity.

(single + singular N
broaden boost their creativity)

Researchers have shown that reading....
-> I think "researches" is more accurate.

play fighting and shooting violent games

Hi @nguyethoang,
"The main discussion point must always remain the focus of the paragraph." means that you have to support your opinion which is presented in the introduction, throughout all your body paragraphs. You believe that reading is more beneficial than playing games in the introduction so you have to write about the advantages of reading. You do this in the 1st body para, which is great, but in the 2nd para, you focus on the disadvantages of playing games instead. This is irrelevant to your opinion in the first place. Your discussion transition: "On the other hand" is used wrongly too. This transition is used to express your idea in a way that is different or in contrast with the first thing you mention. But your 2nd body paragraph doesn't contrast with the 1st body paragraph.

I hope my feedback is useful to you. Have a good day!!!